Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Three years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
A slow cold drizzle was falling outside the Davidson County Jail for women when I was released a little more than 24 hours ago.
I borrowed one of the facility's coats to keep from getting soaking wet as I exited one building in the complex and entered another to hand over my laundry and receive my clothing and property, upon release.
A female deputy escorted me to the jail's facade, where my mom and two nieces were waiting just inside the door. Across the parking lot, my kids were waiting inside my parent's van.
My mom, Kathy, lit up when she saw me. She was all fixed up with her traditional blue eyeshadow and pink lipstick. I said, "Mom." She said, "Hi." Then, she embraced me and said, "I love you."
I said, "I love you, too."
...
Leaving is always the best part. I won't lie.
It's not a place anyone wants to be.
The food is bad. The sleep is horrible, and the deputies are in perpetually bad moods.
If that ain't enough to drive you crazy, then being deprived of mental health medications you need to survive, loneliness or isolation will get you.
And that's what happened to me for most of the week I spent during my second Christmas behind bars.
I retreated from everyone around me for 75 percent of the time I was there.
Without my medication for post-traumatic stress disorder, something I was diagnosed with after the wreck; my non-narcotic anxiety medication; and the medicine I was prescribed by a psychiatrist in August because I couldn't sleep after Perry died; I was absolutely miserable, most of the time.
...
I've heard the comment made, "Well, jail isn't supposed to be the Holiday Inn."
Well, no, it's not. I wholeheartedly agree. I'm there to serve my time.
But you see, there's a little thing called the Mental Health Act in the U.S., which requires jails to administer mental health medications to inmates while they are incarcerated.
The Davidson County Jail's psychiatrist took one look at a written note from my psychiatrist stating that 'if I did not stay on this list of medications continuously, I could decompensate and require emergency care' and simply ignored it.
That doctor only approved two of my prescribed medications, without knowing the first thing about my mental history, how long I had been taking the medicine that was being denied or any other information that would help him or her make that decision.
I met with the mental health department official at the jail who explained to me that the facility doesn't treat any inmate for sleep or anxiety, only for illnesses the facility's psychiatrist determines to be organic, with no possibility of change.
Also, in most every case, inmates who serve short periods of time, or "weekenders," do not get any mental health medications, whether they serve two or 45 days, according to the mental health official at the jail.
An inmate is an inmate, regardless of the length of the time they get to serve for their crime.
I believe the jail is following its own interpretation of the federal law. The policy does not seem fair to me, or that it would meet the spirit of the act.
Is the treatment being performed adequate according to federal statute?
That's the looming question.
And I intend to find out the answer.
...
In my case, I am a weekender, who is in jail a week every six months. You might say to yourself, "you can go a week without your medications. It won't kill you."
Maybe. Maybe not.
One of those medications is a blood pressure pill, but it is used for PTSD.
Can you imagine not giving a blood pressure pill to a heart patient for a week?
Forget about me for a minute.
There are women in that jail who are suffering everyday because some jackass can't pick up a pen and put his or her name on a piece of paper and prescribe what she needs to survive.
And since I am dually-diagnosed with mental health issues and addiction, I know that the majority of the women who are incarcerated for alcohol or drugs also take mental health meds.
I witnessed the number of women who were present at med-pass, when medications are disbursed at the jail.
If I didn't get my nighttime medications, I can't even imagine how many of the 900-some-odd women have to suffer at some level because a psychiatrist at the jail thought, 'Oh. She'll be alright without that one.'
Needless to say, I'm pissed that this is happening, not only to me but to a lot of women who are incarcerated.
You see, they are not bad people. They just made mistakes.
Addiction is a bitch. I knew her well.
It's just that I have a life plan now that helps me put the plug in the jug, drop to my knees on the floor and focus my eyes and heart on God.
...
And I have to say that even in that cold, concrete-walled up institution, I found God.
He was waiting to help me; all I had to do was ask.
Every night, when I would toss and turn for hours and cry about Perry, I would cry out to the Lord to help me get through it.
And every morning, I'd wake up and find that I got some sleep, although it wasn't as much as I was accustomed to getting.
I found God every day during our recovery meetings, where the women would sometimes pour out their hearts, saying they didn't know how to stay sober. Others would vow to stay away from old playmates and playgrounds.
Listening to them all, I lifted them up in prayer. Pragmatically, I knew they wouldn't all make it, but I still hoped.
...
And then the night before I left, I attended a church meeting that held me together until it was time to go home.
Raising my hands up, I surrendered to the Lord's will and praised his name.
I read the Word of God.
Finding myself enjoying it, I forgot where I was and just focused on the light of the world.
Something happened to me that night.
In my bunk later, I prayed God would make me a vessel for his will.
I prayed that He would let me know when to speak out and when to be humble.
In treatment three years ago, we played a card game with angel cards and my angel said I was a light worker, someone who helps other people through their work.
As a former journalist, that made sense to me.
So, today I am just waiting for my next assignment.
And I look forward to letting my light shine.
Amen.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
It's almost time for jail again
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
A week from Friday I'll be turning myself in again for a week stint in the Davidson County jail.
That's a consequence of my actions. I drove drunk, hit and killed Eddy McCreery and left the scene without even knowing what I had done.
That was a little more than three years ago. I haven't had a drop to drink or any drugs since.
With only a few days left, this is about the time where I start wishing the hours and the days would be longer, longer so that the inevitable - my incarceration - wouldn't happen again.
Back in the recesses of my mind, I know this isn't feasible and I can't fool myself for long.
But for today, I'm free and that's a blessing.
...
I got a new probation officer recently, and she told me there is a woman on her caseload who committed vehicular homicide. She's in jail. She was driving the wrong way on I-24 and caused someone's death.
She got a 10-year sentence, the same as mine, but she has to serve two years of it day for day.
I am so grateful not to be locked up for that length of time. I'm grateful to Mr. McCreery's family, who
must have agreed with the district attorney to offer me my sentence.
I have some special conditions. I go to jail every six months for a week, at Christmas and at Father's Day. I am required to speak on my victim's birthday and the anniversary of the accident. I have to attend recovery
meetings every week. I had 240 hours of community service, which I have completed.
...
The speaking engagements have really been a healing experience for me.
Although I am required to speak twice a year, I do it as often as possible. I had about 14 dates last year.
These talks help me because I walk around with the knowledge everyday that I unwittingly, drunkenly, ran over and killed a husband and a father, a brother and an uncle.
That's hard to live with.
For the first two years, I couldn't get out of bed and face myself in the mirror let alone my family members and friends.
But for an hour each time I speak I get to let you in. I get to reveal the path of destruction I blazed through two families.
I get to pour out my heart and soul to a captive audience about what addiction looks like, who it hurts,
the lasting ramifications of my poor choices on the innocent sons and daughters, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters.
Sound like it would be gut-wrenching to relive it again and again?
Guess what? It's just the opposite.
It's the best thing I have ever done for myself. By focusing less and less on myself and more and more on the message of what can happen if you drink and drive, I am becoming whole again.
...
My mission today is not to recruit people for the recovery program in which I participate.
It's not to teach you how to get sober.
I'm not really interested in divulging the particulars of how I achieved three years of continuous sobriety.
What I am focused on today is sharing my experience, strength and hope.
In gritty detail, I will show you what self-sabotage looks like and how one moment in time derailed the life of someone who was living the dream with a great job, three wonderful kids and what one popular women's magazine calls "epic love."
What you do with that is your business.
I will always hope that you commit my story to your hearts and minds, and make good choices that will lead you down the right roads to prosperity, love and peace.
I'll be in a location near you sharing my story. Next month, I was invited to speak at three different locations.
I am donating my time for the cause.
Spread the word, and help me reduce drunk-driving fatalities.
Thank you Lord for the opportunities. Amen.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
A week from Friday I'll be turning myself in again for a week stint in the Davidson County jail.
That's a consequence of my actions. I drove drunk, hit and killed Eddy McCreery and left the scene without even knowing what I had done.
That was a little more than three years ago. I haven't had a drop to drink or any drugs since.
With only a few days left, this is about the time where I start wishing the hours and the days would be longer, longer so that the inevitable - my incarceration - wouldn't happen again.
Back in the recesses of my mind, I know this isn't feasible and I can't fool myself for long.
But for today, I'm free and that's a blessing.
...
I got a new probation officer recently, and she told me there is a woman on her caseload who committed vehicular homicide. She's in jail. She was driving the wrong way on I-24 and caused someone's death.
She got a 10-year sentence, the same as mine, but she has to serve two years of it day for day.
I am so grateful not to be locked up for that length of time. I'm grateful to Mr. McCreery's family, who
must have agreed with the district attorney to offer me my sentence.
I have some special conditions. I go to jail every six months for a week, at Christmas and at Father's Day. I am required to speak on my victim's birthday and the anniversary of the accident. I have to attend recovery
meetings every week. I had 240 hours of community service, which I have completed.
...
The speaking engagements have really been a healing experience for me.
Although I am required to speak twice a year, I do it as often as possible. I had about 14 dates last year.
These talks help me because I walk around with the knowledge everyday that I unwittingly, drunkenly, ran over and killed a husband and a father, a brother and an uncle.
That's hard to live with.
For the first two years, I couldn't get out of bed and face myself in the mirror let alone my family members and friends.
But for an hour each time I speak I get to let you in. I get to reveal the path of destruction I blazed through two families.
I get to pour out my heart and soul to a captive audience about what addiction looks like, who it hurts,
the lasting ramifications of my poor choices on the innocent sons and daughters, mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters.
Sound like it would be gut-wrenching to relive it again and again?
Guess what? It's just the opposite.
It's the best thing I have ever done for myself. By focusing less and less on myself and more and more on the message of what can happen if you drink and drive, I am becoming whole again.
...
My mission today is not to recruit people for the recovery program in which I participate.
It's not to teach you how to get sober.
I'm not really interested in divulging the particulars of how I achieved three years of continuous sobriety.
What I am focused on today is sharing my experience, strength and hope.
In gritty detail, I will show you what self-sabotage looks like and how one moment in time derailed the life of someone who was living the dream with a great job, three wonderful kids and what one popular women's magazine calls "epic love."
What you do with that is your business.
I will always hope that you commit my story to your hearts and minds, and make good choices that will lead you down the right roads to prosperity, love and peace.
I'll be in a location near you sharing my story. Next month, I was invited to speak at three different locations.
I am donating my time for the cause.
Spread the word, and help me reduce drunk-driving fatalities.
Thank you Lord for the opportunities. Amen.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Preparing mentally for high school students
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
In about a month, I will be facing high school students again to tell them about my tragic mistake.
It's always a sobering experience to relive the last days of my 20-year career with alcohol and drugs, culminating with the insertion of my keys into my ignition one more time for a ride down I-40 West that resulted in Eddy McCreery's death.
It sounds like it would be hard for me to do, but it's not.
I have told my story so many times in the last three years that it comes naturally.
The biggest thing it does is that it gets me out of myself.
I need that so desperately right now.
Perry Baggs III, the love of my life for 12 years, died two months ago.
It's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.
I know how the McCreerys must have felt when their loved one was ripped out of their lives in an instant since that's what happened to me.
...
Whenever I go on these speaking engagements, I share my experience, strength and hope.
My experience this year will be different since the one person who loved me as much as my children do is no longer alive.
Dealing with a sudden death of a loved one is hard, but losing a significant other is a whole other kind of melancholy.
It's unbearable. It's debilitating, and no one around me understands what I am going through.
What I hope to weave into my delivery to the teenagers this year is that I know what it must be like for the McCreerys.
They will never get to pick up the phone and call Eddy.
He can't go out to eat with them anymore.
There will be no Christmases or Father's Days with his daughter anymore.
Death separates us from our loved ones.
I separated Eddy's family from him by causing his death.
And now, I've been separated from Perry until God calls me home.
...
I hope my suffering will make my presentation more compelling.
God gave me this testimony for a reason.
I intend to use it to tell every teenager I can about what alcohol and drugs did to my life and to the lives of Eddy McCreery and his family members.
Some cheap Chardonnay and half of a one-milligram Xanax cost us all.
It's my fault.
At some point in nearly three years, I had to decide whether I was going to lay down and die over the guilt I feel over Eddy's death, or go on living somehow, someway.
I chose the latter.
...
Each day, I make myself get out of bed, even though I'd rather lay there under the covers, all snuggled up so that I can grieve and hurt over Perry.
There's something to be said about walking through the pain.
God has a way of helping those who choose to help themselves.
In turn, we pass it along by helping other people.
That's part of what keeps me sober, one day at a time.
I pray that the students I speak to this year won't have to go through what I have to develop this wisdom.
I hope they apply my story to their hearts and minds, and that they tell somebody they care about.
I pray this prayer in Jesus' name.
Amen.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
In about a month, I will be facing high school students again to tell them about my tragic mistake.
It's always a sobering experience to relive the last days of my 20-year career with alcohol and drugs, culminating with the insertion of my keys into my ignition one more time for a ride down I-40 West that resulted in Eddy McCreery's death.
It sounds like it would be hard for me to do, but it's not.
I have told my story so many times in the last three years that it comes naturally.
The biggest thing it does is that it gets me out of myself.
I need that so desperately right now.
Perry Baggs III, the love of my life for 12 years, died two months ago.
It's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other.
I know how the McCreerys must have felt when their loved one was ripped out of their lives in an instant since that's what happened to me.
...
Whenever I go on these speaking engagements, I share my experience, strength and hope.
My experience this year will be different since the one person who loved me as much as my children do is no longer alive.
Dealing with a sudden death of a loved one is hard, but losing a significant other is a whole other kind of melancholy.
It's unbearable. It's debilitating, and no one around me understands what I am going through.
What I hope to weave into my delivery to the teenagers this year is that I know what it must be like for the McCreerys.
They will never get to pick up the phone and call Eddy.
He can't go out to eat with them anymore.
There will be no Christmases or Father's Days with his daughter anymore.
Death separates us from our loved ones.
I separated Eddy's family from him by causing his death.
And now, I've been separated from Perry until God calls me home.
...
I hope my suffering will make my presentation more compelling.
God gave me this testimony for a reason.
I intend to use it to tell every teenager I can about what alcohol and drugs did to my life and to the lives of Eddy McCreery and his family members.
Some cheap Chardonnay and half of a one-milligram Xanax cost us all.
It's my fault.
At some point in nearly three years, I had to decide whether I was going to lay down and die over the guilt I feel over Eddy's death, or go on living somehow, someway.
I chose the latter.
...
Each day, I make myself get out of bed, even though I'd rather lay there under the covers, all snuggled up so that I can grieve and hurt over Perry.
There's something to be said about walking through the pain.
God has a way of helping those who choose to help themselves.
In turn, we pass it along by helping other people.
That's part of what keeps me sober, one day at a time.
I pray that the students I speak to this year won't have to go through what I have to develop this wisdom.
I hope they apply my story to their hearts and minds, and that they tell somebody they care about.
I pray this prayer in Jesus' name.
Amen.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
My 20-year high school reunion
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
It's been nearly three years since I made a fatal mistake that took Eddy McCreery's life, and changed the lives of two families forever.
And tonight, I celebrated my 20-year high school reunion, clean and sober
It was empowering to be in a room with a fully stocked bar, seeing folks with various concoctions of all kinds in their hands, knowing that today I don't have to pick up a drink.
For me in my recovery today, there's nothing a drink or drug would make any better.
Not that there wasn't temptation.
I spotted a lonely bottle of Chambord - my favorite, expensive raspberry liqueur - on the bar surrounded by glasses of various shapes and sizes.
And I remembered what it was like to make my famous purple hooters. A couple I know was enjoying Blue Moons.
The last three years of my drinking career flashed before my eyes.
For most of my teens and early 20s, I was really shy. That is, unless I was under the influence of something.
Then, I could talk to you about anything under the sun: life, love, fears, hopes and dreams. And I did.
In my thirties, I was going out to bars and socializing, Then, I was driving home.
I thought about everything last night. I thought about how it was initially fun to drink and use marijuana.
I thought about the last three years of my active addiction, which were one big drunken haze and cloud of smoke.
Finally, my mind went there.
...
I saw myself walking down the street, jumping into my car and driving away. I remembered how I couldn't read the interstate signs, and how eventually I saw a sign that said "Nashville Airport," and I knew I was going the wrong way.I fell asleep at the wheel just for a second. Then, there was an impact.
I knew I had hit something, but when my car came to a rest on the side of the road, I didn't see anything and I drove away.
I ended up at Opry Mills Mall, where I passed out again at the wheel. I woke up to handcuffs being placed on my wrists.
Detained in a patrol car, I could see the officers shining lights on my car. I didn't know why they were doing that.
They had me do field-sobriety tasks, which they said I failed.
An officer asked me a bunch of questions.
And at some point, the police decided to transport me to Nashville General Hospital to get a blood-alcohol test to determine the level of my intoxication.
It was at that time that I asked the officer, "Am I being arrested for DUI?"
The officer said, "No, you're being arrested for vehicular homicide by intoxication and leaving the scene of a fatality."
I went into shock like a deer in the headlights.
As soon as I got to the police station, there was a television on, and it was playing a story all about me and my charges.
It was like my worst nightmare was being played out for all of Nashville to see.
...
I eventually made it home to my mom and dad's, and laid in a fetal position on the couch all day.
In the next two weeks, four news stories about me and my charges played on all the television news stations, before I made my initial court appearance.
I was having it rough.
Not only did a man die and his family's life was altered forever, my life and my family's lives were also forever changed.
I got suspended from work. My award-winning journalism career was gone overnight.
The kids had to go live with their dad since I no longer had any income to pay for the rent and gas to take them to school in White House.
My car was impounded, and three years later, it's still there.
I lost the home I had rented for 12 years because the money to pay rent was no longer available.
Everything I knew as my normal was gone overnight.
After two weeks of having to deal with the fallout of my actions and the fact that I had likely killed someone and didn't remember it, I just wanted to end my life, too.
I told my parents I wanted to slit my wrists.
They took me to Parthenon Pavilion. It saved my life.
There, I was diagnosed with a couple of mental illnesses, for which I receive treatment. And there I learned about the program of recovery for the first time.
...
A couple of people brought a recovery meeting to the hospital.
They shared their experience, strength and hope with me. They began to tell me things like, "Get a sponsor. Do 90 meetings in 90 days. Read the Big Book. Pray and meditate. Try to help out another alcoholic or addict."
I have done these things to the best of my ability for the last 34 months.
On my own, I went to rehab at Cumberland Heights. I went to inpatient and outpatient programs there.
I learned about the disease of alcoholism, how it's a disease of the mind and the body that primarily centers in the mind.
Oh, and there's a thing called the phenomenon of craving.
That's where you take a substance into your body. Then, your body just craves more and more of that substance before you put it into your body again.
You become like a hamster on the wheel, chasing your addiction around.
For me, ending a man's life landed me on Step 0.
That's "this s*** has to stop"
I liken it to being dunked head-first into a creek. You know how cold that is?
Well, that's what happened to me by having to get sober after causing someone's death.
...
A miracle happened this week that allowed me to be a part of the 20-year high school reunion at all.
You see, I am not supposed to be in any kind of a bar. I signed probation paperwork stating that I had to stay away from such establishments.
And I had my first meeting this week with a brand-new probation officer.
Last year, I was on Community Corrections, an intensive probation program. This month, I started state probation, which is a little less strict.
I had to buy my tickets in the time between completing one program and beginning another. I thought to myself, 'Should I go and hope I don't get caught?'
Ultimately, I did the right thing, and asked my probation officer for her permission. She, in turn, asked for Judge Mark Fishburn's consent.
He e-mailed my p.o. the same day, and let her know that I could go. He said, 'You can go. Just don't drink.'
"Hey. No problem," I thought.
Thinking about spending the next 10 years of my life in a cell is a big incentive to stay straight.
But today, I also want to be sober as well.
...
I thought about all of this during various points of the night.
I actually got to share my testimony with a select few people at the reunion, wherever it was appropriate.
Hopefully, I got some people to think.
Everybody thinks they're invincible when it comes to drinking and driving.
I always did.
"It won't happen to me," they say.
I'm here to tell you, "It can happen. It DID happen to me."
As looked around, I saw toasts being made.
There was the general merriment that goes along with an alcohol-fueled party of any sort.
Everybody just loves everybody.
And that's great.
I ain't hating on nobody.
If I hadn't had my accident, I would have been one of them. I guarantee you that.
I couldn't help but wonder how many people were actually riding in a cab after leaving the event.
That's the responsible thing to do, unless you have a sober ride.
When you drive impaired, you're taking your life and lives of everyone else on the road into your hands.
Trust me.
That's not the kind of responsibility you want to sign up for.
I found myself praying silently that everyone would make it home safely, without accidents or DUIs.
And I was proud to be a part of the group.
I was grateful that I didn't have to compromise my morals, my new way of life, to be a part of the crowd.
Today, my life is about being sober, one day at a time.
It's a wonderful life. It really is.
If you want sobriety, there are three things to remember:
Don't drink.
Reach up for God. Then, reach out for other people.
Amen.
...
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
It's been nearly three years since I made a fatal mistake that took Eddy McCreery's life, and changed the lives of two families forever.
And tonight, I celebrated my 20-year high school reunion, clean and sober
It was empowering to be in a room with a fully stocked bar, seeing folks with various concoctions of all kinds in their hands, knowing that today I don't have to pick up a drink.
For me in my recovery today, there's nothing a drink or drug would make any better.
Not that there wasn't temptation.
I spotted a lonely bottle of Chambord - my favorite, expensive raspberry liqueur - on the bar surrounded by glasses of various shapes and sizes.
And I remembered what it was like to make my famous purple hooters. A couple I know was enjoying Blue Moons.
The last three years of my drinking career flashed before my eyes.
For most of my teens and early 20s, I was really shy. That is, unless I was under the influence of something.
Then, I could talk to you about anything under the sun: life, love, fears, hopes and dreams. And I did.
In my thirties, I was going out to bars and socializing, Then, I was driving home.
I thought about everything last night. I thought about how it was initially fun to drink and use marijuana.
I thought about the last three years of my active addiction, which were one big drunken haze and cloud of smoke.
Finally, my mind went there.
...
I saw myself walking down the street, jumping into my car and driving away. I remembered how I couldn't read the interstate signs, and how eventually I saw a sign that said "Nashville Airport," and I knew I was going the wrong way.I fell asleep at the wheel just for a second. Then, there was an impact.
I knew I had hit something, but when my car came to a rest on the side of the road, I didn't see anything and I drove away.
I ended up at Opry Mills Mall, where I passed out again at the wheel. I woke up to handcuffs being placed on my wrists.
Detained in a patrol car, I could see the officers shining lights on my car. I didn't know why they were doing that.
They had me do field-sobriety tasks, which they said I failed.
An officer asked me a bunch of questions.
And at some point, the police decided to transport me to Nashville General Hospital to get a blood-alcohol test to determine the level of my intoxication.
It was at that time that I asked the officer, "Am I being arrested for DUI?"
The officer said, "No, you're being arrested for vehicular homicide by intoxication and leaving the scene of a fatality."
I went into shock like a deer in the headlights.
As soon as I got to the police station, there was a television on, and it was playing a story all about me and my charges.
It was like my worst nightmare was being played out for all of Nashville to see.
...
I eventually made it home to my mom and dad's, and laid in a fetal position on the couch all day.
In the next two weeks, four news stories about me and my charges played on all the television news stations, before I made my initial court appearance.
I was having it rough.
Not only did a man die and his family's life was altered forever, my life and my family's lives were also forever changed.
I got suspended from work. My award-winning journalism career was gone overnight.
The kids had to go live with their dad since I no longer had any income to pay for the rent and gas to take them to school in White House.
My car was impounded, and three years later, it's still there.
I lost the home I had rented for 12 years because the money to pay rent was no longer available.
Everything I knew as my normal was gone overnight.
After two weeks of having to deal with the fallout of my actions and the fact that I had likely killed someone and didn't remember it, I just wanted to end my life, too.
I told my parents I wanted to slit my wrists.
They took me to Parthenon Pavilion. It saved my life.
There, I was diagnosed with a couple of mental illnesses, for which I receive treatment. And there I learned about the program of recovery for the first time.
...
A couple of people brought a recovery meeting to the hospital.
They shared their experience, strength and hope with me. They began to tell me things like, "Get a sponsor. Do 90 meetings in 90 days. Read the Big Book. Pray and meditate. Try to help out another alcoholic or addict."
I have done these things to the best of my ability for the last 34 months.
On my own, I went to rehab at Cumberland Heights. I went to inpatient and outpatient programs there.
I learned about the disease of alcoholism, how it's a disease of the mind and the body that primarily centers in the mind.
Oh, and there's a thing called the phenomenon of craving.
That's where you take a substance into your body. Then, your body just craves more and more of that substance before you put it into your body again.
You become like a hamster on the wheel, chasing your addiction around.
For me, ending a man's life landed me on Step 0.
That's "this s*** has to stop"
I liken it to being dunked head-first into a creek. You know how cold that is?
Well, that's what happened to me by having to get sober after causing someone's death.
...
A miracle happened this week that allowed me to be a part of the 20-year high school reunion at all.
You see, I am not supposed to be in any kind of a bar. I signed probation paperwork stating that I had to stay away from such establishments.
And I had my first meeting this week with a brand-new probation officer.
Last year, I was on Community Corrections, an intensive probation program. This month, I started state probation, which is a little less strict.
I had to buy my tickets in the time between completing one program and beginning another. I thought to myself, 'Should I go and hope I don't get caught?'
Ultimately, I did the right thing, and asked my probation officer for her permission. She, in turn, asked for Judge Mark Fishburn's consent.
He e-mailed my p.o. the same day, and let her know that I could go. He said, 'You can go. Just don't drink.'
"Hey. No problem," I thought.
Thinking about spending the next 10 years of my life in a cell is a big incentive to stay straight.
But today, I also want to be sober as well.
...
I thought about all of this during various points of the night.
I actually got to share my testimony with a select few people at the reunion, wherever it was appropriate.
Hopefully, I got some people to think.
Everybody thinks they're invincible when it comes to drinking and driving.
I always did.
"It won't happen to me," they say.
I'm here to tell you, "It can happen. It DID happen to me."
As looked around, I saw toasts being made.
There was the general merriment that goes along with an alcohol-fueled party of any sort.
Everybody just loves everybody.
And that's great.
I ain't hating on nobody.
If I hadn't had my accident, I would have been one of them. I guarantee you that.
I couldn't help but wonder how many people were actually riding in a cab after leaving the event.
That's the responsible thing to do, unless you have a sober ride.
When you drive impaired, you're taking your life and lives of everyone else on the road into your hands.
Trust me.
That's not the kind of responsibility you want to sign up for.
I found myself praying silently that everyone would make it home safely, without accidents or DUIs.
And I was proud to be a part of the group.
I was grateful that I didn't have to compromise my morals, my new way of life, to be a part of the crowd.
Today, my life is about being sober, one day at a time.
It's a wonderful life. It really is.
If you want sobriety, there are three things to remember:
Don't drink.
Reach up for God. Then, reach out for other people.
Amen.
...
Monday, June 25, 2012
Second and THIRD incarceration
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
Tonight, I was released after spending five days in jail. I initially reported for my incarceration on Friday, June 15, and was mistakenly released two days later. I asked the officer in the pod, "Am I being transferred to a different pod?" He said, "No, you're being released." I didn't ask ANY more questions. I just rolled with it. I went back to work the next day, and two days later, the Sheriff's Department showed up at work and basically said, "My bad. You have to come back and do your five days." That part went as well as it could have. I was at work, and my sister called. I answered the phone in the break room, and she said, "The Sheriff's Department is on their way up there." I said, "Are you serious?" My friend, Miss Ann, was there, and she was like an angel. I was basically in shock, and she helped me clock out, get my purse and lunch and go and wait for the Sheriff's Department to come to my work. I thought they were going to arrest me so I went to the foyer of the business and waited. The officer came in the foyer of the business in plain clothes. He didn't have his badge, handcuffs or his gun, and he just talked to me like a human being. That was God. He said I could work the rest of the day and to report to CDC by 6-6:30 p.m. that evening. So, I did as I was told.
I got there, and had to wait in the lobby for 3 1/2 hours before being taken to intake to get my uniform and laundry bag with toiletries. One good thing was that I got to go right back to the P pod, the same pod I was in before, and many of the women I met initially were still there. Like Catherine, who was initially the pod rep when I reported on Friday. I was on my period when I went in and was bleeding so badly that I bled through my pants. She asked the officer on duty to get me another pair. I appreciated that so much. Simple kindnesses like that were extended to me the entire time I was there by the women in the p pod, also known as the recovery or treatment pod. I made so many friends: Catherine, Terrie, Aleta, Tomika, Georgia, Rachel, Portia, Gayle, Robin, Paula, Pauline. I just know I am leaving somebody out. But know this: you all MEAN (present tense) something to me.
I could fill this space with complaints about the food, guards with a bad attitude, not getting my medication as planned for in advance between my probation officer and the medical staff at the jail, not getting to watch movies during the daytime, having to follow rules of a program that I was not a part of, etc. But I won't. I'd rather use this space to talk about the highlights of my stay this go-around.
Portia, thank you for making me laugh so loud when we were on lock-down. I'll always remember: "Rehab for WEEEED?! And talking about trifling, tragic-ass guards.
I'll always remember the night I got to give my testimony in the AA meeting, start to finish. I had chill bumps from head to toe as I shared how God saved me from 12-36 years in prison, how he uses me to talk to teenagers, people in treatment centers and in jails about my experience, and how he's restoring me one day at a time. As a result, five women asked me to be their sponsor. I consider that a blessing and a privilege.
I'll always remember being banned from the next AA meeting simply because I am a "weekender" and not in the program. As a result, I went to my cell and sang my lungs out. My roommate, Portia, told me women were breaking their necks to look around and try to figure out where that singing was coming from. We laughed so hard about that because there was absolutely nothing they could do about it. By the next night, I had the pod rep's permission to attend the meeting.
I'll always remember the church service Trevecca Community Church sponsored on Sunday night. Those that know me well know God gave me a talent to sing, and I sang from my heart that night. I knew all the words to "Jesus Take the Wheel," "Your Great Name" and "What Love Really Means." It was a release to be able to praise God with the talent he gave me.
I'll always remember those last few minutes, watching the clock, waiting for them to call my name. I was supposed to get out at 6:20 p.m. Fifteen minutes later, I was still in lockup. You always get nervous, and start to think, 'well, they're just going to keep me here.' It didn't happen. The guard called my name, and you never saw somebody sprint up the stairs so fast to get her stuff. I was already packed, and just had to grab my covers off the top bunk.
The walk down the hill toward intake was so glorious. You just know that freedom is on the other side. I hurriedly signed papers, threw my laundry into a bin and got my clothes back on. My mom, my nieces, Kasey, Aaliyah and Trista were waiting for me outside. Hugging my dad, and saying "I made it," is something I'll always remember.
Now, I look forward to the next chapter. I am going to lead five of the women I met through the 12 steps. One of them gets out on Saturday. I can't wait to sit down and talk with her on the other side. My program today is about reaching out for other people and reaching up for God. It's also about sharing my experience, strength and hope. Trying to bless someone else the way I have been blessed. I say, 'come on with me. Share this journey.'
I no longer wallow in the mire of misery I created for myself when I killed Eddy McCreery in a drunk-driving accident. I will always feel sad about that, but I can never change it. So, what I do now is try to make a living amends to him and to myself by living better, sober, one day at a time, and trying to help as many people through this experience as I can. Someone told me about six months ago that Eddy was in recovery. I don't know if that's true or not. I do know this. Together, we are saving hundreds of lives through this tragedy that binds us together. He did not die in vain. His death today stands for a message not to drink or take drugs and drive. And somehow I know that we're going to have the opportunity to talk about this in heaven. That makes me smile. Somehow, I know he's up there smiling, too. Thank you, God, for the opportunities. Amen.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
Tonight, I was released after spending five days in jail. I initially reported for my incarceration on Friday, June 15, and was mistakenly released two days later. I asked the officer in the pod, "Am I being transferred to a different pod?" He said, "No, you're being released." I didn't ask ANY more questions. I just rolled with it. I went back to work the next day, and two days later, the Sheriff's Department showed up at work and basically said, "My bad. You have to come back and do your five days." That part went as well as it could have. I was at work, and my sister called. I answered the phone in the break room, and she said, "The Sheriff's Department is on their way up there." I said, "Are you serious?" My friend, Miss Ann, was there, and she was like an angel. I was basically in shock, and she helped me clock out, get my purse and lunch and go and wait for the Sheriff's Department to come to my work. I thought they were going to arrest me so I went to the foyer of the business and waited. The officer came in the foyer of the business in plain clothes. He didn't have his badge, handcuffs or his gun, and he just talked to me like a human being. That was God. He said I could work the rest of the day and to report to CDC by 6-6:30 p.m. that evening. So, I did as I was told.
I got there, and had to wait in the lobby for 3 1/2 hours before being taken to intake to get my uniform and laundry bag with toiletries. One good thing was that I got to go right back to the P pod, the same pod I was in before, and many of the women I met initially were still there. Like Catherine, who was initially the pod rep when I reported on Friday. I was on my period when I went in and was bleeding so badly that I bled through my pants. She asked the officer on duty to get me another pair. I appreciated that so much. Simple kindnesses like that were extended to me the entire time I was there by the women in the p pod, also known as the recovery or treatment pod. I made so many friends: Catherine, Terrie, Aleta, Tomika, Georgia, Rachel, Portia, Gayle, Robin, Paula, Pauline. I just know I am leaving somebody out. But know this: you all MEAN (present tense) something to me.
I could fill this space with complaints about the food, guards with a bad attitude, not getting my medication as planned for in advance between my probation officer and the medical staff at the jail, not getting to watch movies during the daytime, having to follow rules of a program that I was not a part of, etc. But I won't. I'd rather use this space to talk about the highlights of my stay this go-around.
Portia, thank you for making me laugh so loud when we were on lock-down. I'll always remember: "Rehab for WEEEED?! And talking about trifling, tragic-ass guards.
I'll always remember the night I got to give my testimony in the AA meeting, start to finish. I had chill bumps from head to toe as I shared how God saved me from 12-36 years in prison, how he uses me to talk to teenagers, people in treatment centers and in jails about my experience, and how he's restoring me one day at a time. As a result, five women asked me to be their sponsor. I consider that a blessing and a privilege.
I'll always remember being banned from the next AA meeting simply because I am a "weekender" and not in the program. As a result, I went to my cell and sang my lungs out. My roommate, Portia, told me women were breaking their necks to look around and try to figure out where that singing was coming from. We laughed so hard about that because there was absolutely nothing they could do about it. By the next night, I had the pod rep's permission to attend the meeting.
I'll always remember the church service Trevecca Community Church sponsored on Sunday night. Those that know me well know God gave me a talent to sing, and I sang from my heart that night. I knew all the words to "Jesus Take the Wheel," "Your Great Name" and "What Love Really Means." It was a release to be able to praise God with the talent he gave me.
I'll always remember those last few minutes, watching the clock, waiting for them to call my name. I was supposed to get out at 6:20 p.m. Fifteen minutes later, I was still in lockup. You always get nervous, and start to think, 'well, they're just going to keep me here.' It didn't happen. The guard called my name, and you never saw somebody sprint up the stairs so fast to get her stuff. I was already packed, and just had to grab my covers off the top bunk.
The walk down the hill toward intake was so glorious. You just know that freedom is on the other side. I hurriedly signed papers, threw my laundry into a bin and got my clothes back on. My mom, my nieces, Kasey, Aaliyah and Trista were waiting for me outside. Hugging my dad, and saying "I made it," is something I'll always remember.
Now, I look forward to the next chapter. I am going to lead five of the women I met through the 12 steps. One of them gets out on Saturday. I can't wait to sit down and talk with her on the other side. My program today is about reaching out for other people and reaching up for God. It's also about sharing my experience, strength and hope. Trying to bless someone else the way I have been blessed. I say, 'come on with me. Share this journey.'
I no longer wallow in the mire of misery I created for myself when I killed Eddy McCreery in a drunk-driving accident. I will always feel sad about that, but I can never change it. So, what I do now is try to make a living amends to him and to myself by living better, sober, one day at a time, and trying to help as many people through this experience as I can. Someone told me about six months ago that Eddy was in recovery. I don't know if that's true or not. I do know this. Together, we are saving hundreds of lives through this tragedy that binds us together. He did not die in vain. His death today stands for a message not to drink or take drugs and drive. And somehow I know that we're going to have the opportunity to talk about this in heaven. That makes me smile. Somehow, I know he's up there smiling, too. Thank you, God, for the opportunities. Amen.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Speaking at my alma mater
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
I spoke at Hunter's Lane High School two days this week, on Tuesday and on Friday. I have reached out to all the freshmen in the school, and have imparted to them my wisdom about what can happen if you drink and drive. I feel like they really listened with their ears and hearts.
It was weird being at my alma mater under those circumstances, to stand up there and admit that I killed a man while drinking and driving. I had not stepped foot into the school in the past 20 years since I graduated in May 1992
I graduated with an honors diploma and was in the top 10 percent of my class. I was in the Madrigals, a singing group you had to audition to be a part of. I have fond memories of getting dressed up in my dress and going places and singing with the group in high school. I also have fond memories of football and basketball games and the proms junior and senior year.
So, I told the kids those things, as I introduced myself to them. I let them know I had a normal high school experience and was very successful academically while attending Hunter's Lane. I let them know I went to college at Western Kentucky University and majored in print journalism and french. I let them know I got married young, at age 19, and had three kids by the time I was 24. I got married, had three kids and still graduated from college in my chosen major. I was determined to succeed. And I did for a while before King Alcohol took away my choices and took my life and Eddy McCreery's life down with it.
I talked about how I binge drank from an early age. Most people just call it getting wasted or getting drunk. I drank to get drunk every time. I never drank for the taste or just to drink one drink. It continued, although somewhat in the background of my life, into my early adulthood, through my twenties and thirties.
They say in my 12-step program that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and looking back, I can see how it progressed from getting wasted once in a while as a teenager to being a weekend warrior in my twenties to going out to bars, drinking and driving home in my thirties.
Even though alcohol was sort of in the background at times, it was present, along with marijuana and Xanax. And ultimately it was the combination of alcohol and Xanax that took away my choices, that took away my ability to make a rational decision on whether to drink or drive, ultimately causing Eddy McCreery's death.
I read stories today on the Internet about celebrities like Whitney Houston, who reportedly died as a result of a combination of Xanax, Valium and alcohol, and it makes me sad. I don't know why Xanax is a legal prescription drug. It's like alcohol in a pill form. It is dangerous, and in my case and reportedly Whitney Houston's case, it was deadly.
One thing I encouraged the students to do was to go home and look up the word blackout on the net. I was in a blackout the night Eddy McCreery died. I was not capable of making a decision on whether to drink and drive. That's why I say that alcohol and Xanax took away my choices.
Yes, I chose to take the Xanax after drinking the alcohol. It was by far the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. I only wish someone had saw fit to stop me from getting behind the wheel.
Several people could have, but no one did. I'm not saying it is anyone's fault, but my own.. But the fact is that I was with several other people that night, and no one looked out for me. They all told my attorney that I was drunk, when questioned as a part of my defense, and no one cared enough to make sure I got home safely. I don't know what to make of that. I only know that it is true that birds of a feather flock together, and most of the time when people are with their friends they emulate their behavior. That was certainly true with me. And that's why I told the kids to be careful who they hang around.
I am not naive enough to believe that I am going to stop these teenagers from every taking a drink, although I wish that were true. I was a bit scared to go this far, but I ended up telling the kids from my heart that I believe that alcohol is evil. It's a legal drug. Our society is so pervasive with messages about alcohol. Commercials make alcohol use look cool. But I'm here to tell you that it is not cool. It ruined my life, for a time, and it is the reason that Eddy McCreery is no longer here to be with his family.
I am sorry if this blog turns anyone off. I can only speak from my experience, and my experience shows that alcohol can be deadly, if used in certain circumstances, like drinking and driving. I will stand against this deadly foe at every turn. I will educate youth and those in treatment facilities about what can happen if you drink and drive for the rest of my life. I feel like it's that important.
I can only hope I save some of these kids from going down the wrong road, drinking because they think it's cool, getting behind the wheel of a car afterward because they think it can't happen to them. I also hope I save them a lot of pain in the long run. I am hurting for having done this to the McCreery family, to myself and to my family. I hurt everyday. And I know the ripple effect the damage I did has had on everyone around me. It destroyed two families.
However, I think it's also important to point out that God is restoring me, a little bit at a time. He took a tragedy and turned it into something positive. He gave me this testimony to affect lives, and he's given me another chance to restore myself with my new job.
It felt so good to be able to give my parents rent money this week and to buy clothes for myself and my family.
I am hopeful now. I know things can and will get better, one day at a time.
Prayer: God, thank you for the blessings you have shown me. Please give me the strength to face whatever comes. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
I spoke at Hunter's Lane High School two days this week, on Tuesday and on Friday. I have reached out to all the freshmen in the school, and have imparted to them my wisdom about what can happen if you drink and drive. I feel like they really listened with their ears and hearts.
It was weird being at my alma mater under those circumstances, to stand up there and admit that I killed a man while drinking and driving. I had not stepped foot into the school in the past 20 years since I graduated in May 1992
I graduated with an honors diploma and was in the top 10 percent of my class. I was in the Madrigals, a singing group you had to audition to be a part of. I have fond memories of getting dressed up in my dress and going places and singing with the group in high school. I also have fond memories of football and basketball games and the proms junior and senior year.
So, I told the kids those things, as I introduced myself to them. I let them know I had a normal high school experience and was very successful academically while attending Hunter's Lane. I let them know I went to college at Western Kentucky University and majored in print journalism and french. I let them know I got married young, at age 19, and had three kids by the time I was 24. I got married, had three kids and still graduated from college in my chosen major. I was determined to succeed. And I did for a while before King Alcohol took away my choices and took my life and Eddy McCreery's life down with it.
I talked about how I binge drank from an early age. Most people just call it getting wasted or getting drunk. I drank to get drunk every time. I never drank for the taste or just to drink one drink. It continued, although somewhat in the background of my life, into my early adulthood, through my twenties and thirties.
They say in my 12-step program that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and looking back, I can see how it progressed from getting wasted once in a while as a teenager to being a weekend warrior in my twenties to going out to bars, drinking and driving home in my thirties.
Even though alcohol was sort of in the background at times, it was present, along with marijuana and Xanax. And ultimately it was the combination of alcohol and Xanax that took away my choices, that took away my ability to make a rational decision on whether to drink or drive, ultimately causing Eddy McCreery's death.
I read stories today on the Internet about celebrities like Whitney Houston, who reportedly died as a result of a combination of Xanax, Valium and alcohol, and it makes me sad. I don't know why Xanax is a legal prescription drug. It's like alcohol in a pill form. It is dangerous, and in my case and reportedly Whitney Houston's case, it was deadly.
One thing I encouraged the students to do was to go home and look up the word blackout on the net. I was in a blackout the night Eddy McCreery died. I was not capable of making a decision on whether to drink and drive. That's why I say that alcohol and Xanax took away my choices.
Yes, I chose to take the Xanax after drinking the alcohol. It was by far the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. I only wish someone had saw fit to stop me from getting behind the wheel.
Several people could have, but no one did. I'm not saying it is anyone's fault, but my own.. But the fact is that I was with several other people that night, and no one looked out for me. They all told my attorney that I was drunk, when questioned as a part of my defense, and no one cared enough to make sure I got home safely. I don't know what to make of that. I only know that it is true that birds of a feather flock together, and most of the time when people are with their friends they emulate their behavior. That was certainly true with me. And that's why I told the kids to be careful who they hang around.
I am not naive enough to believe that I am going to stop these teenagers from every taking a drink, although I wish that were true. I was a bit scared to go this far, but I ended up telling the kids from my heart that I believe that alcohol is evil. It's a legal drug. Our society is so pervasive with messages about alcohol. Commercials make alcohol use look cool. But I'm here to tell you that it is not cool. It ruined my life, for a time, and it is the reason that Eddy McCreery is no longer here to be with his family.
I am sorry if this blog turns anyone off. I can only speak from my experience, and my experience shows that alcohol can be deadly, if used in certain circumstances, like drinking and driving. I will stand against this deadly foe at every turn. I will educate youth and those in treatment facilities about what can happen if you drink and drive for the rest of my life. I feel like it's that important.
I can only hope I save some of these kids from going down the wrong road, drinking because they think it's cool, getting behind the wheel of a car afterward because they think it can't happen to them. I also hope I save them a lot of pain in the long run. I am hurting for having done this to the McCreery family, to myself and to my family. I hurt everyday. And I know the ripple effect the damage I did has had on everyone around me. It destroyed two families.
However, I think it's also important to point out that God is restoring me, a little bit at a time. He took a tragedy and turned it into something positive. He gave me this testimony to affect lives, and he's given me another chance to restore myself with my new job.
It felt so good to be able to give my parents rent money this week and to buy clothes for myself and my family.
I am hopeful now. I know things can and will get better, one day at a time.
Prayer: God, thank you for the blessings you have shown me. Please give me the strength to face whatever comes. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Portland High speaks out
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
It occurred to me over the weekend that I focused too much on the negative responses - a few of the 60 or so I received - in my last post.
Overall, the Portland High School students really seemed to get it.
My message is simple: It's not OK to drink and drive under any circumstances.
I know this because I am responsible for Eddy McCreery's death. He died because I took Xanax, drank wine and got behind the wheel of a car.
I'm not proud of that fact, but I know this: I will work as hard as I can to tell as many students as possible what happened. My hope is to spare them and potential victims and their families everywhere the pain that I have to live with the rest of my life, a pain the McCreerys have to live with daily.
Naysayers may question my motives, my methods and even my words to gauge my sincerity. But you don't have to listen to me.
Listen to the kids that were there. One thing I did ask them was whether I should continue to make the WSMV footage of my arrest and subsequent news stories and the audio of the 911 call that night a part of my presentation.
Here's what some of the students had to say:
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I think it was great that you still come to schools and hospitals to talk about your story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through with all of that. The video and tape was very effective, and that you should keep showing it to students and families. I'm really glad that you found God, and that you are now clean and sober.
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The presentation was very informative, and I am very thankful that you came and spoke to us and made this strive to make it known what the consequences. The video and phone call were very heartbreaking, and I'm very sorry you have to live with the pain.
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I thought it was overall a good/effective presentation.
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The presentation was good. I believe that whoever you tell this to will surely change their mind. I don't think you need to change your presentation. It is good as it is. This is what it takes to get it through people's heads. So don't change what you're doing.
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I think your presentation was very touching, and it made me think about my choices. The 911 call is a good thing to use to get people's attention. I appreciate what you are doing. Thank you. I am a parent, so I feel for you, your mother and the family. I can't imagine anybody going through that.
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I believe the presentation went really well. It was informative, and although I do not drink and do not have any intention of doing so, it definitely changed my view of drinking and driving. The 911 call was a bit graphic. I wouldn't use it for any classes under our age group, but it was a great tool for classes our age. I appreciate your being willing to speak in front of classes. I know that it must be hard for you, but it can definitely change people's lives, as I'm sure you've probably already changed several.
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I thought the presentation was very important, as well as influencial. I hope that your dreams of becoming a journalist fulfill you, and I hope that your pain doesn't overwhelm you from what God has in store for you.
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I thought this speaking opened up a lot of people's eyes, it had me tearing up. I hope that no one ever drinks and drives. It's also good that you've been saved by God. Everything that happened, it happened for a reason. Keep your head up, and don't lose faith, and live one day at a time. I wish the best for you. I hope that one day the family forgives you.
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I think that your story is really sad. I can't relate to how you may have felt or feel. I think it takes a big person to admit you've done something wrong, and that you share your story. My prayers go out to you.
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This presentation was very informative about drunk-driving. The 911 call was very realistic. The video brought the situation to life for me personally. I now will NEVER drink and drive or drink at all. Thank you for coming. It was a really great presentation.
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It gives me chills to even hear the story. I can't even imagine such a tragedy, all just because of alcohol and one mistake. I feel sorry for you because it was an accident. All because just one day you drank alcohol. You have lost everything in your life. You telling that story changed my whole outlook on alcohol. You are my hero. You are a wonderful person. And I thank you so much.
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I think your presentation went very well. You showed me that even a little alcohol could make a large impact on your life. I'm an athlete at this school, and that showed me that making one little mistake could take all my dreams away from me. I just want to say thank you for coming to talk to us today. I feel you have changed a bunch of people's views on drinking and driving. Thanks so much and God bless you.
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I am a non-user of any drugs, but this presentation has made me thankful that people that has been in your situation who has had to have been force by a court order to talk about one mistake, but they continue to talk to children or in our case, teens about your story. It's inspired me to teach other people. I was glad to hear you found a cure to your illness and have been sober for this long. Keep it up. God bless you., and I will keep you and the family in my prayers.
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This presentation has made me think that some things happen for a reason, even though the things that happen may not affect you. It always affects others. The video and audio definitely should be included in future presentations. Thank you and God bless you.
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I really loved hearing your story. My mother was arrested for DUI a year ago, and hearing your story will help me talk to her more about drinking and driving. Your story was very helpful. Thank you. It's perfect just the way it is.
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I think you were brave enough to talk about everything. You're doing really well helping people realize what all went down and how it played out 10 years is a good amount for going around. But I believe you did a great job and not the best way to be punished for a crazy night, but the best way for not remembering I suppose.
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I thought that your presentation was very good. I think that the DVD is a good idea. I don't think the tape is a good idea. I thought that you did a good job.
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I think that it was allright. Just keep it up and keep on talking to kids so they know not to drink and drive. You did great so keep it up. You are awesome. You just keep getting the word out to kids and adults.
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I think you should keep the audio recording because it is a good way for teens to understand the way the daughter felt about the accident and the impact it had on her life.
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I think that the video was good because it really made a point, and it got across.
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I personally think you did a wonderful job. Keep going the way you are and don't change anything within your presentation. Everyone makes mistakes. We're human. It's weird how one mistake can ruin your life. Thank you for your testimony. You have a lot of courage, and I admire you and appreciate that. Stay God strong.
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In my opinion, I think the presentation was more than okay. I think it takes a lot to mention anything to anybody about what happened. You have a lot of courage to do so. You are most definitely in my prayers. Don't let anyone tell you you are a bad person for that. You have made a mistake. That's part of human nature. You have bettered yourself because of this situation, and I think that is a great thing.
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It's a great way to open teens' eyes about drunk driving. Keep up the good work.
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I thought it was very brave of you to come and talk with us today. Your story touched my heart. It must be really hard to come and speak to strangers about something so serious as this, on his birthday, with people judging you. It's very brave, to show other people what you have done wrong, and what you're doing to try to make it better to the best that you can. God is amazing, and the fact that the entire time you've had this going on, you've had him in your heart. I want to thank you for coming in. You did really well.
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I believe that the video was something that should be showed. It makes the kids realize how much impact on the family and it could be them that could've made the mistake that you did, along with the audio. I understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that yours just so happens to be as tragic as what happened to you and Eddie. It touched me, and made me realize I'll never drink and drive. I believe you did a great job, and you're a very strong person for what you're doing.
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I believe that the video was very good. The 911 call that you play impacted me and I'm sure the kids around. I have had a close family member pass away for abusing many drugs at a party. Her friends ended up leaving her so she had to call her parents to come get her. They found my 17-year-old cousin dead the next day on her bed because of making one mistake one night by listening to her friends. Your story touched me very much. I think you did a great job. You're one strong girl!
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Your story is extremely impacting. I have not ever been a fan of alcohol, but now I know I won't mess with it. The presentation was beautiful and heart-touching. The audio and video made it hit home. It made it all very real, and I quickly realized it wasn't just a story, but a real thing. I'm glad you have turned your life around.
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Trina, I have came from an alcoholic and drug-addicted father, who has loved drinking more than his children. Your presentation showed me the positive side of every situation. I have had a lot of hatred toward my dad for his choices, but now I have learned to love him. I pray that you continue this message with more schools and people to spread the word of this. I hope to see your presentation again because of the truth behind your story.
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Your story was very touching. One of my best friends had died in a drinking and driving accident. I didn't know what I would do after that but understanding where you are coming from. I think that the video is a good asset to the presentation, although the audio version is what needs to be heard. You're doinga very good job with changing people's lives. Thank you sor sharing your story with us.
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I think this presentation was very informative. It got me thinking. And I think it will be helpful in making teens understand how dangerous and hurtful drinking and driving can be.
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I really respected the presentation. I saw you last semester, in October, and it completely changed the way I saw my future. I will not drink and I will surely not drink and drive. Always use the audio and video. It impacted my life in a big way, and I hope it does other kids. I dream of being a singer, and I hpe you achieve your dreams as well.
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I find it really touching. I have an uncle who is a heavy drinker, and me personally, I do not like any kind of drinking. I really like the video and audio. It helped me realize exactly how bad it can get. I never knew how bad it could get, and I will never again drink in my life. The audio was really touching, and yes, you should use it.
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It got to me a bit. I know the outcome wasn't good for their family. It is great that you have sobered up. All around, great presentation.
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I feel that the video was helpful and the audio made me feel like I could begin to feel how Faith felt. I think it is good, so it could help someone not drink and drive. I saw this last semester, and it helped me not to be around someone when they're drinking. Thank you for speaking again.
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I do think the video and the 911 call was both very impactful. I think that showing both is very powerful to both students and adults.
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I thought it was really upsetting about the family's grief. I was holding back tears. I can't say that what you did was wrong. I can't judge anyone. It really made me stop and think about drinking and driving. I don't have much else to say, but God bless you and your family.
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I think you did very well with your presentation. I think it definitely got a message across to all of the people in this room. I think it was good that you played the audio and showed the video. I also think you were very strong while standing up there speaking. God bless you.
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I thought it was very informational. The video and audio was a great source but a little disturbing at some points. This especially helped because a similar situation happened to my cousin, but they shocked him back to life a couple times and saved his life.
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Presentation was great. Playing the video and audio made a much larger impact. Got the message across strongly.
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I know you're a changed person. Today when you talked to us about how you killed someone by drinking and driving; it really made me never want to do that..One accident can change your life. But God is with you, and I love you for changing. Thanks for talking to us!
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Your presentation did touch me and made me think twice about my decisions. I am a binge drinker myself, and have feared that it is turning into a problem. As a parent, I can't imagine going through what the family of the man you hit went through, but also what you went through. I think you should definitely keep the 911 audio. It really gets through to people. But instead of telling people to only listen to God, tell people to make better decisions for themselves. Please keep using the 911 audio.
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I thought it was a good one, but still sad to here it. I think you should keep the audio cause it does make an impact.
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I thought it was a good presentation, and that if it hadn't happened you would not be the person today. Like it's not good that he died, but it's good that you found God, and got clean from drugs because I myself have had a drug problem and it took a lot for me to realize drugs weren't only affecting me, but the people around me.
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It was good. The audio was the most touching part, to hear it happening. It was very informational, and I will never drink and drive. It was a good thing.
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It was a good presentation. I think it makes people really think about what happened. The 911 call was very sad, but I think you should've played it, and play it at all your presentations. It was a really good presentation.
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The 911 recording was not too much. It was what solidified everything you said and let people's emotions truly flow so that they know what can happen if they did something like this. May God be with you as you tell your story.
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I'm just glad you came in today and talked to us about this. Thank you so much. I now know how bad it is to drink.
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Just hearing about this story made my life change when she said that is the end of my presentation. It made my outlook about everything, but it's a bad choice. But look at it this way everyone makes mistakes. Not anyone on this earth is perfect. It was just weird hearing her scream for her dad, and another way to look at it is, hey, things always happen for a reason. Maybe God made that night happen because he knew you could change lives with it. Maybe it happened because he wanted you to do this. He wanted you to talk to teenagers because if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have known what it can do to you. Like you said, you practically lost your life and just sitting here thinking you can live life and be happy without it. You can have a very good time. You don't need it for any of these things, and I just want to thank you and I want to thank God for letting you come here and changing my life. I really do appreciate it, and God bless you as well. And hope you don't ever make choices like that ever again.
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Drinking and driving is worse than just drinking. If you drink period, you can't really focus. To hear your story, it really makes me think about not drinking as much as I want to. My boyfriend is not a drinker, and I don't really like to, but maybe every once in a while, like once every few months. But I'm thankful for him to tell me to stop drinking period because I never want to get into a vehicle while intoxicated. I could accidentally get into a vehicle. I really don't agree with your sentence or why you're not in prison, but you're very lucky, and with your speech, it has left an impact on my life because my father died at the wheel unintoxicated, by an intoxicated man. I'm in the same position as Faith because I seen my father die at the scene of the accident. God bless you and his family!
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This story has given me a different outlook on drinking or doing any kinds of drugs. I can say that this has changed my look of doing anything. This is very sad. But I can say this has changed my ways of doing things. Yes, you should do this again. I think it will change other kids lives like it will mine. How is it like being away from your kids? Do you see your kids now? How is it going to jail on Father's Day and on Christmas? Like does it make others realize how hard it is for you? Do you have things you had before this happened? You did a great thing showing this.
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During the whole presentation, I felt so sad. Hearing what she has to say touched my heart and my mind in a way that could never be explained in words. After hearing the impact it had on his daughter, it just broke my heart. I think she should keep the audio and video, so other students can hopefully learn and realize that no one should every drink and drive.
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This presentation has really changed my outlook on drinking. Not just drinking and driving, but drinking alone. My stepdad drinks every so often. So I do it too sometimes. But I definitely won't be anymore. I did like the audio and video. You should keep using it in your presentation. Thank you for coming and speaking with us. It has definitely changed my perspective about drinking. Thank you, again. I know it takes a lot of nerve to get up there and talk, not knowing what people are going to say or think. So, I do have a lot of respect for you for that.
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First off, I wanted to say thank you because you have changed the way I think about DUIs and alcoholism. I also wanted to say that I think you are incredibly strong to share your story with people. I know that I will think about how alcohol can affect you. God bless you, and I want you to know that I will keep you in my prayers.
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I thought she was one of the best speakers that has came and talked to us. Her story was very touching to me, and it honestly broke my heart. If I was her, it wouldn't be that easy for me to talk to kids about what happened. She's a very strong woman, and from now on, I'll look up to her. Her story means a lot to me, and I'll remember that story for the rest of my life. I know it has to be hard for her to live everyday with the fact of knowing what she did, even though she didn't mean to. I really appreciate everything she's said today, and it really put a place in my heart.
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Hearing this story shocked me. To hear how both sides of this story hurt, even the side that caused it. The 911 call was upsetting. The girl's screams and sobs broke my heart. I'm about to be 16. I'll be driving soon, and even though I already know not to drive and drink, I will be the person to take someone's keys. I pray for the family and the victim. Use the video and audio. It really helps the story.
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What I think about her presentation is a lot. My whole entire Dad's side of the family has at least killed two people. So honestly, I know how it feels. My real dad's side is all gang members. They drink and do drugs. So now, I really don't know. I don't know how to feel.
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I feel like it was a very sad thing what happened. It has made me realize that little things can change something in a second. Drinking and driving is an awful thing. I have drank before but hearing you talk and tell us what happened has made me really stop and think about things. It is great that you stopped using drugs and drinking alcohol. Yes, you made a mistake, and we all make mistakes. You found God and are trying to make peace. You are right, if this never would have happened, you would probably still be drinking and doing drugs today. It's wonderful that you encourage others not to drink and drive, and that you are trying to make peace.
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The story that this lady told me had a big impact on my life. Everything she said to me meant something that drinking is bad, and it could take someone's life. Having to live on that kind of impact tears my heart into a million pieces. I will do my best not to overrun what was said. Because if I have ever went down like that, I don't think I could live with myself.
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This is the second time I've heard you about this. And I believe that you have done a better job this time than when I heard you on the anniversary in October 2011. I believe this is a great/wonderful thing that you are doing, and the fact that you are doing it without community service is astonishing. I find it wonderful, beyond wonderful that you have chosen to find God and let him help you through this. I believe with the help of our savior, you can get through anything. Just have faith and hope because I have hope and faith in you.
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I felt like it was an inspiring story because it shows what alcohol really does to you. It does horrible things, especially when you get behind the wheel o f a car. I know people that has been drunk and drove, but never wrecked. But it changes your mind about alcohol and things that can happen when you are under the influence.
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I felt like her story teaches me to not drink and drive. It teaches me the signs on when to stop and call a friend to pick me up. It tells people that it is a very serious thing to worry about.
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
It occurred to me over the weekend that I focused too much on the negative responses - a few of the 60 or so I received - in my last post.
Overall, the Portland High School students really seemed to get it.
My message is simple: It's not OK to drink and drive under any circumstances.
I know this because I am responsible for Eddy McCreery's death. He died because I took Xanax, drank wine and got behind the wheel of a car.
I'm not proud of that fact, but I know this: I will work as hard as I can to tell as many students as possible what happened. My hope is to spare them and potential victims and their families everywhere the pain that I have to live with the rest of my life, a pain the McCreerys have to live with daily.
Naysayers may question my motives, my methods and even my words to gauge my sincerity. But you don't have to listen to me.
Listen to the kids that were there. One thing I did ask them was whether I should continue to make the WSMV footage of my arrest and subsequent news stories and the audio of the 911 call that night a part of my presentation.
Here's what some of the students had to say:
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I think it was great that you still come to schools and hospitals to talk about your story. I'm so sorry that you had to go through with all of that. The video and tape was very effective, and that you should keep showing it to students and families. I'm really glad that you found God, and that you are now clean and sober.
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The presentation was very informative, and I am very thankful that you came and spoke to us and made this strive to make it known what the consequences. The video and phone call were very heartbreaking, and I'm very sorry you have to live with the pain.
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- 911 call helped me visualize how bad the accident was.
- Program was Really good.
I thought it was overall a good/effective presentation.
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The presentation was good. I believe that whoever you tell this to will surely change their mind. I don't think you need to change your presentation. It is good as it is. This is what it takes to get it through people's heads. So don't change what you're doing.
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I think your presentation was very touching, and it made me think about my choices. The 911 call is a good thing to use to get people's attention. I appreciate what you are doing. Thank you. I am a parent, so I feel for you, your mother and the family. I can't imagine anybody going through that.
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I believe the presentation went really well. It was informative, and although I do not drink and do not have any intention of doing so, it definitely changed my view of drinking and driving. The 911 call was a bit graphic. I wouldn't use it for any classes under our age group, but it was a great tool for classes our age. I appreciate your being willing to speak in front of classes. I know that it must be hard for you, but it can definitely change people's lives, as I'm sure you've probably already changed several.
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I thought the presentation was very important, as well as influencial. I hope that your dreams of becoming a journalist fulfill you, and I hope that your pain doesn't overwhelm you from what God has in store for you.
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I thought this speaking opened up a lot of people's eyes, it had me tearing up. I hope that no one ever drinks and drives. It's also good that you've been saved by God. Everything that happened, it happened for a reason. Keep your head up, and don't lose faith, and live one day at a time. I wish the best for you. I hope that one day the family forgives you.
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I think that your story is really sad. I can't relate to how you may have felt or feel. I think it takes a big person to admit you've done something wrong, and that you share your story. My prayers go out to you.
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This presentation was very informative about drunk-driving. The 911 call was very realistic. The video brought the situation to life for me personally. I now will NEVER drink and drive or drink at all. Thank you for coming. It was a really great presentation.
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It gives me chills to even hear the story. I can't even imagine such a tragedy, all just because of alcohol and one mistake. I feel sorry for you because it was an accident. All because just one day you drank alcohol. You have lost everything in your life. You telling that story changed my whole outlook on alcohol. You are my hero. You are a wonderful person. And I thank you so much.
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I think your presentation went very well. You showed me that even a little alcohol could make a large impact on your life. I'm an athlete at this school, and that showed me that making one little mistake could take all my dreams away from me. I just want to say thank you for coming to talk to us today. I feel you have changed a bunch of people's views on drinking and driving. Thanks so much and God bless you.
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I am a non-user of any drugs, but this presentation has made me thankful that people that has been in your situation who has had to have been force by a court order to talk about one mistake, but they continue to talk to children or in our case, teens about your story. It's inspired me to teach other people. I was glad to hear you found a cure to your illness and have been sober for this long. Keep it up. God bless you., and I will keep you and the family in my prayers.
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This presentation has made me think that some things happen for a reason, even though the things that happen may not affect you. It always affects others. The video and audio definitely should be included in future presentations. Thank you and God bless you.
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I really loved hearing your story. My mother was arrested for DUI a year ago, and hearing your story will help me talk to her more about drinking and driving. Your story was very helpful. Thank you. It's perfect just the way it is.
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I think you were brave enough to talk about everything. You're doing really well helping people realize what all went down and how it played out 10 years is a good amount for going around. But I believe you did a great job and not the best way to be punished for a crazy night, but the best way for not remembering I suppose.
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I thought that your presentation was very good. I think that the DVD is a good idea. I don't think the tape is a good idea. I thought that you did a good job.
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I think that it was allright. Just keep it up and keep on talking to kids so they know not to drink and drive. You did great so keep it up. You are awesome. You just keep getting the word out to kids and adults.
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I think you should keep the audio recording because it is a good way for teens to understand the way the daughter felt about the accident and the impact it had on her life.
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I think that the video was good because it really made a point, and it got across.
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I personally think you did a wonderful job. Keep going the way you are and don't change anything within your presentation. Everyone makes mistakes. We're human. It's weird how one mistake can ruin your life. Thank you for your testimony. You have a lot of courage, and I admire you and appreciate that. Stay God strong.
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In my opinion, I think the presentation was more than okay. I think it takes a lot to mention anything to anybody about what happened. You have a lot of courage to do so. You are most definitely in my prayers. Don't let anyone tell you you are a bad person for that. You have made a mistake. That's part of human nature. You have bettered yourself because of this situation, and I think that is a great thing.
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It's a great way to open teens' eyes about drunk driving. Keep up the good work.
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I thought it was very brave of you to come and talk with us today. Your story touched my heart. It must be really hard to come and speak to strangers about something so serious as this, on his birthday, with people judging you. It's very brave, to show other people what you have done wrong, and what you're doing to try to make it better to the best that you can. God is amazing, and the fact that the entire time you've had this going on, you've had him in your heart. I want to thank you for coming in. You did really well.
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I believe that the video was something that should be showed. It makes the kids realize how much impact on the family and it could be them that could've made the mistake that you did, along with the audio. I understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that yours just so happens to be as tragic as what happened to you and Eddie. It touched me, and made me realize I'll never drink and drive. I believe you did a great job, and you're a very strong person for what you're doing.
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I believe that the video was very good. The 911 call that you play impacted me and I'm sure the kids around. I have had a close family member pass away for abusing many drugs at a party. Her friends ended up leaving her so she had to call her parents to come get her. They found my 17-year-old cousin dead the next day on her bed because of making one mistake one night by listening to her friends. Your story touched me very much. I think you did a great job. You're one strong girl!
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Your story is extremely impacting. I have not ever been a fan of alcohol, but now I know I won't mess with it. The presentation was beautiful and heart-touching. The audio and video made it hit home. It made it all very real, and I quickly realized it wasn't just a story, but a real thing. I'm glad you have turned your life around.
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Trina, I have came from an alcoholic and drug-addicted father, who has loved drinking more than his children. Your presentation showed me the positive side of every situation. I have had a lot of hatred toward my dad for his choices, but now I have learned to love him. I pray that you continue this message with more schools and people to spread the word of this. I hope to see your presentation again because of the truth behind your story.
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Your story was very touching. One of my best friends had died in a drinking and driving accident. I didn't know what I would do after that but understanding where you are coming from. I think that the video is a good asset to the presentation, although the audio version is what needs to be heard. You're doinga very good job with changing people's lives. Thank you sor sharing your story with us.
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I think this presentation was very informative. It got me thinking. And I think it will be helpful in making teens understand how dangerous and hurtful drinking and driving can be.
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I really respected the presentation. I saw you last semester, in October, and it completely changed the way I saw my future. I will not drink and I will surely not drink and drive. Always use the audio and video. It impacted my life in a big way, and I hope it does other kids. I dream of being a singer, and I hpe you achieve your dreams as well.
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I find it really touching. I have an uncle who is a heavy drinker, and me personally, I do not like any kind of drinking. I really like the video and audio. It helped me realize exactly how bad it can get. I never knew how bad it could get, and I will never again drink in my life. The audio was really touching, and yes, you should use it.
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It got to me a bit. I know the outcome wasn't good for their family. It is great that you have sobered up. All around, great presentation.
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I feel that the video was helpful and the audio made me feel like I could begin to feel how Faith felt. I think it is good, so it could help someone not drink and drive. I saw this last semester, and it helped me not to be around someone when they're drinking. Thank you for speaking again.
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I do think the video and the 911 call was both very impactful. I think that showing both is very powerful to both students and adults.
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I thought it was really upsetting about the family's grief. I was holding back tears. I can't say that what you did was wrong. I can't judge anyone. It really made me stop and think about drinking and driving. I don't have much else to say, but God bless you and your family.
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I think you did very well with your presentation. I think it definitely got a message across to all of the people in this room. I think it was good that you played the audio and showed the video. I also think you were very strong while standing up there speaking. God bless you.
...
I thought it was very informational. The video and audio was a great source but a little disturbing at some points. This especially helped because a similar situation happened to my cousin, but they shocked him back to life a couple times and saved his life.
...
Presentation was great. Playing the video and audio made a much larger impact. Got the message across strongly.
...
I know you're a changed person. Today when you talked to us about how you killed someone by drinking and driving; it really made me never want to do that..One accident can change your life. But God is with you, and I love you for changing. Thanks for talking to us!
...
Your presentation did touch me and made me think twice about my decisions. I am a binge drinker myself, and have feared that it is turning into a problem. As a parent, I can't imagine going through what the family of the man you hit went through, but also what you went through. I think you should definitely keep the 911 audio. It really gets through to people. But instead of telling people to only listen to God, tell people to make better decisions for themselves. Please keep using the 911 audio.
...
I thought it was a good one, but still sad to here it. I think you should keep the audio cause it does make an impact.
...
I thought it was a good presentation, and that if it hadn't happened you would not be the person today. Like it's not good that he died, but it's good that you found God, and got clean from drugs because I myself have had a drug problem and it took a lot for me to realize drugs weren't only affecting me, but the people around me.
...
It was good. The audio was the most touching part, to hear it happening. It was very informational, and I will never drink and drive. It was a good thing.
...
It was a good presentation. I think it makes people really think about what happened. The 911 call was very sad, but I think you should've played it, and play it at all your presentations. It was a really good presentation.
...
The 911 recording was not too much. It was what solidified everything you said and let people's emotions truly flow so that they know what can happen if they did something like this. May God be with you as you tell your story.
...
I'm just glad you came in today and talked to us about this. Thank you so much. I now know how bad it is to drink.
...
Just hearing about this story made my life change when she said that is the end of my presentation. It made my outlook about everything, but it's a bad choice. But look at it this way everyone makes mistakes. Not anyone on this earth is perfect. It was just weird hearing her scream for her dad, and another way to look at it is, hey, things always happen for a reason. Maybe God made that night happen because he knew you could change lives with it. Maybe it happened because he wanted you to do this. He wanted you to talk to teenagers because if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have known what it can do to you. Like you said, you practically lost your life and just sitting here thinking you can live life and be happy without it. You can have a very good time. You don't need it for any of these things, and I just want to thank you and I want to thank God for letting you come here and changing my life. I really do appreciate it, and God bless you as well. And hope you don't ever make choices like that ever again.
...
Drinking and driving is worse than just drinking. If you drink period, you can't really focus. To hear your story, it really makes me think about not drinking as much as I want to. My boyfriend is not a drinker, and I don't really like to, but maybe every once in a while, like once every few months. But I'm thankful for him to tell me to stop drinking period because I never want to get into a vehicle while intoxicated. I could accidentally get into a vehicle. I really don't agree with your sentence or why you're not in prison, but you're very lucky, and with your speech, it has left an impact on my life because my father died at the wheel unintoxicated, by an intoxicated man. I'm in the same position as Faith because I seen my father die at the scene of the accident. God bless you and his family!
...
This story has given me a different outlook on drinking or doing any kinds of drugs. I can say that this has changed my look of doing anything. This is very sad. But I can say this has changed my ways of doing things. Yes, you should do this again. I think it will change other kids lives like it will mine. How is it like being away from your kids? Do you see your kids now? How is it going to jail on Father's Day and on Christmas? Like does it make others realize how hard it is for you? Do you have things you had before this happened? You did a great thing showing this.
...
During the whole presentation, I felt so sad. Hearing what she has to say touched my heart and my mind in a way that could never be explained in words. After hearing the impact it had on his daughter, it just broke my heart. I think she should keep the audio and video, so other students can hopefully learn and realize that no one should every drink and drive.
...
This presentation has really changed my outlook on drinking. Not just drinking and driving, but drinking alone. My stepdad drinks every so often. So I do it too sometimes. But I definitely won't be anymore. I did like the audio and video. You should keep using it in your presentation. Thank you for coming and speaking with us. It has definitely changed my perspective about drinking. Thank you, again. I know it takes a lot of nerve to get up there and talk, not knowing what people are going to say or think. So, I do have a lot of respect for you for that.
...
First off, I wanted to say thank you because you have changed the way I think about DUIs and alcoholism. I also wanted to say that I think you are incredibly strong to share your story with people. I know that I will think about how alcohol can affect you. God bless you, and I want you to know that I will keep you in my prayers.
...
I thought she was one of the best speakers that has came and talked to us. Her story was very touching to me, and it honestly broke my heart. If I was her, it wouldn't be that easy for me to talk to kids about what happened. She's a very strong woman, and from now on, I'll look up to her. Her story means a lot to me, and I'll remember that story for the rest of my life. I know it has to be hard for her to live everyday with the fact of knowing what she did, even though she didn't mean to. I really appreciate everything she's said today, and it really put a place in my heart.
...
Hearing this story shocked me. To hear how both sides of this story hurt, even the side that caused it. The 911 call was upsetting. The girl's screams and sobs broke my heart. I'm about to be 16. I'll be driving soon, and even though I already know not to drive and drink, I will be the person to take someone's keys. I pray for the family and the victim. Use the video and audio. It really helps the story.
...
What I think about her presentation is a lot. My whole entire Dad's side of the family has at least killed two people. So honestly, I know how it feels. My real dad's side is all gang members. They drink and do drugs. So now, I really don't know. I don't know how to feel.
...
I feel like it was a very sad thing what happened. It has made me realize that little things can change something in a second. Drinking and driving is an awful thing. I have drank before but hearing you talk and tell us what happened has made me really stop and think about things. It is great that you stopped using drugs and drinking alcohol. Yes, you made a mistake, and we all make mistakes. You found God and are trying to make peace. You are right, if this never would have happened, you would probably still be drinking and doing drugs today. It's wonderful that you encourage others not to drink and drive, and that you are trying to make peace.
...
The story that this lady told me had a big impact on my life. Everything she said to me meant something that drinking is bad, and it could take someone's life. Having to live on that kind of impact tears my heart into a million pieces. I will do my best not to overrun what was said. Because if I have ever went down like that, I don't think I could live with myself.
...
This is the second time I've heard you about this. And I believe that you have done a better job this time than when I heard you on the anniversary in October 2011. I believe this is a great/wonderful thing that you are doing, and the fact that you are doing it without community service is astonishing. I find it wonderful, beyond wonderful that you have chosen to find God and let him help you through this. I believe with the help of our savior, you can get through anything. Just have faith and hope because I have hope and faith in you.
...
I felt like it was an inspiring story because it shows what alcohol really does to you. It does horrible things, especially when you get behind the wheel o f a car. I know people that has been drunk and drove, but never wrecked. But it changes your mind about alcohol and things that can happen when you are under the influence.
...
I felt like her story teaches me to not drink and drive. It teaches me the signs on when to stop and call a friend to pick me up. It tells people that it is a very serious thing to worry about.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Speech at Portland High School
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
I spoke to four blocks of classes at Portland High School today about causing the drunk-driving accident Oct. 22, 2009 that resulted in Eddy McCreery's death.
It's never an easy experience for me. None of this is. Not living this life, admitting my fatal mistake, dealing with the painful consequences for my family and for the McCreery family.
But I do this, partly, yes, because I am court-ordered to speak on Feb. 10 and Oct. 22, McCreery's birthday and the day he died.
But mostly I speak because of the MESSAGE these speaking engagements involve: Don't drink and drive under any circumstances.
I'm not there to make friends or enemies for that matter. I'm not there to try to duck any kind of responsibility I feel for the crime. I'm not there to make the students feel sorry for me.
My calling is to make them think about what can happen and what did happen to me if you drink and drive.
That's the only reason.
I have about 60 responses of feedback from the kids. Most of it was positive. There was a handful that was negative. For some reason, those comments always stick with me more. Call it the devil in the details.
Some didn't like that I used notes to speak. Others thought I didn't show enough emotion or have enough eye contact. One even accused me of exploiting the family's pain.
A teacher not mentioned in this blog even went as far as to say it didn't seem like I was accepting responsibility, and implied my speeches might mistakenly make the kids feel sorry for me. He was conversely complimentary in the same speech, and even applauded me. Needless to say, I was confused.
I can't please everybody, and I'm not going to try.
What I am going to do is keep on knocking on doors at local school districts and asking if they will let me in, give me a venue, a way to reach these kids.
I am hoping the story WSMV-TV Channel 4 aired today will help me in that quest.
It was the first time in my life I have been on the other end of an interview, but I think I did OK. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be.
Again, it's about the message. It's about making Eddy McCreery's death mean something, keeping his memory alive, turning a negative event into a positive, one day at a time.
Thank you Portland High School, especially Mr. Gideon, Mrs. McNeil and Mrs. Griffin for opening your doors to me and giving me a way to hopefully impact these students' lives in such a way that if they are ever in the position to make a decision whether to drink and drive or to ride with someone who has indulged in alcohol or drugs, that they will make the right decision.
I want to especially thank Jeremy Johnson and Nancy Morris, of Sumner County Schools, for their roles in facilitating the speeches today.
And thank you momma, Vicky C. and Jennifer Easton for being there to support me in an endeavor that is always tough, but always worth it.
Mom: your support never ceases to amaze me. Vicky: you have shown me love in so many ways. Know that I am here for you, too. You are my family.
Jennifer, thank you for being there, too. Your presence was like a bridge between the past and the present, reminding me of the journalist I used to be, in my dream job, and of the friendships I still have at The Gallatin News Examiner. I miss you, Dessie, and you, too, Sarah, and hope we can see each other again really soon.
Finally, this day would be incomplete without the following thank you.
Thank you, Eddy McCreery, for giving my life purpose, for my sobriety, and for keeping me humble, one day at a time.
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
I spoke to four blocks of classes at Portland High School today about causing the drunk-driving accident Oct. 22, 2009 that resulted in Eddy McCreery's death.
It's never an easy experience for me. None of this is. Not living this life, admitting my fatal mistake, dealing with the painful consequences for my family and for the McCreery family.
But I do this, partly, yes, because I am court-ordered to speak on Feb. 10 and Oct. 22, McCreery's birthday and the day he died.
But mostly I speak because of the MESSAGE these speaking engagements involve: Don't drink and drive under any circumstances.
I'm not there to make friends or enemies for that matter. I'm not there to try to duck any kind of responsibility I feel for the crime. I'm not there to make the students feel sorry for me.
My calling is to make them think about what can happen and what did happen to me if you drink and drive.
That's the only reason.
I have about 60 responses of feedback from the kids. Most of it was positive. There was a handful that was negative. For some reason, those comments always stick with me more. Call it the devil in the details.
Some didn't like that I used notes to speak. Others thought I didn't show enough emotion or have enough eye contact. One even accused me of exploiting the family's pain.
A teacher not mentioned in this blog even went as far as to say it didn't seem like I was accepting responsibility, and implied my speeches might mistakenly make the kids feel sorry for me. He was conversely complimentary in the same speech, and even applauded me. Needless to say, I was confused.
I can't please everybody, and I'm not going to try.
What I am going to do is keep on knocking on doors at local school districts and asking if they will let me in, give me a venue, a way to reach these kids.
I am hoping the story WSMV-TV Channel 4 aired today will help me in that quest.
It was the first time in my life I have been on the other end of an interview, but I think I did OK. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be.
Again, it's about the message. It's about making Eddy McCreery's death mean something, keeping his memory alive, turning a negative event into a positive, one day at a time.
Thank you Portland High School, especially Mr. Gideon, Mrs. McNeil and Mrs. Griffin for opening your doors to me and giving me a way to hopefully impact these students' lives in such a way that if they are ever in the position to make a decision whether to drink and drive or to ride with someone who has indulged in alcohol or drugs, that they will make the right decision.
I want to especially thank Jeremy Johnson and Nancy Morris, of Sumner County Schools, for their roles in facilitating the speeches today.
And thank you momma, Vicky C. and Jennifer Easton for being there to support me in an endeavor that is always tough, but always worth it.
Mom: your support never ceases to amaze me. Vicky: you have shown me love in so many ways. Know that I am here for you, too. You are my family.
Jennifer, thank you for being there, too. Your presence was like a bridge between the past and the present, reminding me of the journalist I used to be, in my dream job, and of the friendships I still have at The Gallatin News Examiner. I miss you, Dessie, and you, too, Sarah, and hope we can see each other again really soon.
Finally, this day would be incomplete without the following thank you.
Thank you, Eddy McCreery, for giving my life purpose, for my sobriety, and for keeping me humble, one day at a time.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
New job
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
Today was my first day on the job at Goodwill.
I am training. Today, I didn't do what I would normally be doing, which is processing donated items, but it was still good. I trained under a lady named Ann, and she was really nice.
Today, I took processed items out to the floor and placed them on display for sale.
Then, I watched a two-hour slideshow on the store's standard operating procedures. It was a lot of information.
I am grateful to be part of the working world again.
It had been more than two years since the accident that ended my victim's life and changed my life and the lives of my victim's family forever.
At times, I wondered if I'd ever find any semblance of normalcy.
All I can say is 'God is good.'
I had interviewed at Lowe's last week at two locations: Madison and Hendersonville. I felt like the three interviews I did at those locations went really well.
So, I was surprised and excited when Goodwill called - out of the blue - and offered me the job Monday afternoon.
I really feel like it's a God thing that I was offered this job, and I intend to make the most of it.
In this role, it may seem like I'm primarily focused on myself, but that's really only a portion of the truth.
On Friday, which is my victim's birthday, I will be speaking at Portland High School about my life, my addictions and the events that ended my victim's life.
It never leaves me, as well it shouldn't.
But I didn't want to leave the impression that I'm just going on with my life now, without any thought about the past.
I am still dedicated to telling this story: in hospitals, treatment centers and in local schools.
I have the opportunity now to move into Metro Nashville Public Schools and to spread the message even farther. I don't have firm dates yet, and now, I have a job that has to be factored in, so it's not a done deal.
But I am trying very hard to balance putting my life back together, while still focusing on my victim's death and the new life that resulted in me.
It's very important to me.
Tonight, I will be going to a local hospital and sharing the message with the patients there, in hopes that they won't use drugs or alcohol and get behind the wheel of a car, like I did.
It's ironic. I thought 'I want to go out just one more time.' Six months had passed and I was dry. I was taking prescription Xanax, as directed, and still smoking marijuana. But I hadn't had a drop of alcohol in my body in that time frame.
Just one more time ended in death for my victim and a lifetime for me.
Still, admitting my role in the accident weekly gives me some relief. It gives me hope enough to try to do things like get a job and try to move on with my life.
And that is making all the difference.
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
Today was my first day on the job at Goodwill.
I am training. Today, I didn't do what I would normally be doing, which is processing donated items, but it was still good. I trained under a lady named Ann, and she was really nice.
Today, I took processed items out to the floor and placed them on display for sale.
Then, I watched a two-hour slideshow on the store's standard operating procedures. It was a lot of information.
I am grateful to be part of the working world again.
It had been more than two years since the accident that ended my victim's life and changed my life and the lives of my victim's family forever.
At times, I wondered if I'd ever find any semblance of normalcy.
All I can say is 'God is good.'
I had interviewed at Lowe's last week at two locations: Madison and Hendersonville. I felt like the three interviews I did at those locations went really well.
So, I was surprised and excited when Goodwill called - out of the blue - and offered me the job Monday afternoon.
I really feel like it's a God thing that I was offered this job, and I intend to make the most of it.
In this role, it may seem like I'm primarily focused on myself, but that's really only a portion of the truth.
On Friday, which is my victim's birthday, I will be speaking at Portland High School about my life, my addictions and the events that ended my victim's life.
It never leaves me, as well it shouldn't.
But I didn't want to leave the impression that I'm just going on with my life now, without any thought about the past.
I am still dedicated to telling this story: in hospitals, treatment centers and in local schools.
I have the opportunity now to move into Metro Nashville Public Schools and to spread the message even farther. I don't have firm dates yet, and now, I have a job that has to be factored in, so it's not a done deal.
But I am trying very hard to balance putting my life back together, while still focusing on my victim's death and the new life that resulted in me.
It's very important to me.
Tonight, I will be going to a local hospital and sharing the message with the patients there, in hopes that they won't use drugs or alcohol and get behind the wheel of a car, like I did.
It's ironic. I thought 'I want to go out just one more time.' Six months had passed and I was dry. I was taking prescription Xanax, as directed, and still smoking marijuana. But I hadn't had a drop of alcohol in my body in that time frame.
Just one more time ended in death for my victim and a lifetime for me.
Still, admitting my role in the accident weekly gives me some relief. It gives me hope enough to try to do things like get a job and try to move on with my life.
And that is making all the difference.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Beautiful beautiful
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
Tonight, I am singing at church during a musical program we call the "Singspiration." The song I am doing is called "Beautiful Beautiful." It's in the style of Francesa Battestelli, a Contemporary Christian music singer.
It's basically a love letter to God for changing someone from the inside out.
That's how I feel these days. God has changed me from the inside out.
I wish I could live my life, being who I am now, with the job I had in the past and the custody arrangements I had with the kids in the past.
I know that isn't possible, but it's how I feel.
I can only move forward and try to get another job, and when I do, save up for an apartment and try to work out arrangements with my ex about the kids. I feel like he'd be agreeable to it should I have the opportunity to better myself.
Speaking of the kids...
My son, Ian, turned 15 Saturday.
Time is really flying. I remember when he was just a little thing. I remember when he was just learning to crawl. Now, he's a teenager and into the show "Guy Code."
Good grief.
I really am thankful for the time I get to spend with the kids. Although, it never seems like enough. They come every other weekend and stay Friday afternoon, Saturday and up to Sunday afternoon.
It's been that way ever since the accident a little over two years ago. Before, I had them a lot more.
Still, I know friends that would do anything to see their kids that much. So, I can' t complain.
We had a good time on his birthday. The whole family went to Shelby Park, walked around and played on the playground. I practiced the song I am singing tonight at church while at the park. My daughter looked at me like I was weird. I just smiled. I was happy.
We had carrot cake for Ian's birthday. It's his favorite. That and banana bread. But he chose the carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. It was really good.
Whenever I celebrate a milestone in my kids' lives, or in my life, I can't help but think about my victim's family and how they are doing.
I hope they are doing as well as they can be. I can't imagine the pain they've gone through. And I wish I could make it go away...but I can't.
I can only go on with my own life. I can pray for them, though. I can pray and I can keep his memory alive in the talks that I am giving in local high schools.
I am speaking again on his birthday, Feb. 10.
I wish I had some pictures of him that I could display in his memory. The only thing I do have is the WSMV-Channel 4 TV news footage of my arrest and subsequent stories the station ran that show a picture of him.
It's weird because I never knew him personally, but our lives are somewhat intertwined now. At least his death and my life anyway.
I live my life sober in his memory, and I try to be happy.
I hope my victim's family is finding some happiness, too, despite their pain.
They say, 'time heals all things,' but I don't know if that's really true.
I hope and pray that they do find happiness in the little things in life, and that they are getting some help with their grief. If they read this, I hope they know I am praying for them, too. I know it's not enough, but it's what I can do.
I hope somehow, someway, my victim is looking down on me, on my sobriety, on the days I go and speak in his honor and that he smiles.
He is the reason for my sobriety.
He is the reason for my salvation.
He is the reason I am a different person today.
And if somehow, he can see me now, I hope he knows I have one thing to say:
Thank you.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Job search
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Jan. 21
It's been more than two years since I've been gainfully employed as a reporter for The News Examiner in Gallatin, Tenn. The publication, a sister paper of The Tennessean, is owned by Gannett. I miss my job. I miss interacting with my sources, doing interviews, taking photos, writing the articles, all of it.
When the accident happened on October 22, 2009, ending my victim's life, most of my life went away too. I was suspended without pay, pending the outcome of the police investigation into the charges of vehicular homicide and leaving the scene of a fatality.
I lost my home, my job, my kids, everything I ever knew, overnight. I know my victim's family has suffered, and believe me I am not making light of that. I wish everyday that I could jump in a time machine and go back and make all this go away, of course for myself, but mostly for them.
My career is something I have really grieved over. I was an award-winning writer, an up-and-coming journalist with a lot going for me. I hope someday I can work as a writer again full-time. I am good at it, and it makes me feel good to put a nice article together.
In some ways, this blog is saving my life because it's giving me a creative outlet again. I have also written most of the chapters of a book about my experience. I am hoping to publish it this year.
Last week, I began submitting lots and lots of applications online. I am hopeful, but somewhat afraid that my criminal background is going to hold me back from working in a job that I will really enjoy.
I'm plunging forward anyway. You can't let fear of the unknown hold you back. You have to try, even though you might fail. You have to keep on trying. I know if I keep on trying somebody will give me a chance.
One reason it has been two years since I have had a job is that most places won't hire you if you have pending charges. It took almost two years for my case to be adjudicated in the courts.
Another reason is that I filed for disability. I was denied twice and I appealed it a third time, an appeal that is supposed to be heard by a judge. I just found out it will be two more years before the case is heard by a judge.
I decided I don' t want to wait that long to be earning money again. I have a list of felony-friendly employers I can use to try to get a job. Mostly so far, I have been applying to office jobs and other jobs related to my experience.
Next week, I am meeting with a career counselor to talk about my job search and various other things involved in trying to get a job. I am excited. I'm going to stay positive and lean on God. I know he has big plans for me.I just have to do the footwork and let him do the rest.
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Jan. 21
It's been more than two years since I've been gainfully employed as a reporter for The News Examiner in Gallatin, Tenn. The publication, a sister paper of The Tennessean, is owned by Gannett. I miss my job. I miss interacting with my sources, doing interviews, taking photos, writing the articles, all of it.
When the accident happened on October 22, 2009, ending my victim's life, most of my life went away too. I was suspended without pay, pending the outcome of the police investigation into the charges of vehicular homicide and leaving the scene of a fatality.
I lost my home, my job, my kids, everything I ever knew, overnight. I know my victim's family has suffered, and believe me I am not making light of that. I wish everyday that I could jump in a time machine and go back and make all this go away, of course for myself, but mostly for them.
My career is something I have really grieved over. I was an award-winning writer, an up-and-coming journalist with a lot going for me. I hope someday I can work as a writer again full-time. I am good at it, and it makes me feel good to put a nice article together.
In some ways, this blog is saving my life because it's giving me a creative outlet again. I have also written most of the chapters of a book about my experience. I am hoping to publish it this year.
Last week, I began submitting lots and lots of applications online. I am hopeful, but somewhat afraid that my criminal background is going to hold me back from working in a job that I will really enjoy.
I'm plunging forward anyway. You can't let fear of the unknown hold you back. You have to try, even though you might fail. You have to keep on trying. I know if I keep on trying somebody will give me a chance.
One reason it has been two years since I have had a job is that most places won't hire you if you have pending charges. It took almost two years for my case to be adjudicated in the courts.
Another reason is that I filed for disability. I was denied twice and I appealed it a third time, an appeal that is supposed to be heard by a judge. I just found out it will be two more years before the case is heard by a judge.
I decided I don' t want to wait that long to be earning money again. I have a list of felony-friendly employers I can use to try to get a job. Mostly so far, I have been applying to office jobs and other jobs related to my experience.
Next week, I am meeting with a career counselor to talk about my job search and various other things involved in trying to get a job. I am excited. I'm going to stay positive and lean on God. I know he has big plans for me.I just have to do the footwork and let him do the rest.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Kids visit
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Jan. 15
The kids went home today. It's always a melancholy time for me because I won't see them again for two weeks.
It's been this way for a little more than two years, every since the accident that changed my life and the lives of my victim and his family forever.
I think about my victim's family everyday, especially when I'm down on myself and my situation. I think, 'Well, things are not perfect, but at least I'm still here to enjoy time with my family, even though it isn't as much as I want.'
My victim can't spend any time with his family anymore because he is dead.
I wish there were a magic time machine I could jump in, like in the movie "Back to the Future" and just fix this situation for everyone it touches.
Unfortunately, that will never happen.
All I can do is enjoy the time I have with my own family, try to make the most of it and pray for my victim's family.
A little more than two years ago, I was a working single mother. I had a career as a prize-winning journalist, a rental house and a car I had just made the remaining payments on.
With a snap decision I made while in a blackout caused by consuming too much wine and a one-milligram Xanax, my victim's life ended and my life and the lives of his family changed forever.
I wish I could go back to the life I had before and live it as the person I am now.
I am sober. I have been for more than two years. I go to recovery meetings several times a week. I have a sponsor. I read recovery literature, mediation books and my Bible. I pray and mediate and I try to help other alcoholics and addicts by speaking to them twice a week about the dangers of drinking and driving and what happened to me.
I may never be able to be a journalist again. Well, we'll see. The felonies on my record don't make it easy to get any job, let alone a good job like I had before. But, I'll never say never.
My kids, Kristen, Ian and Kavanaugh, had to go and live with their dad as a result of the accident, the ripple effects of everything and everyone it touched.
I think it has made me a better mother than I used to be. I cherish the time I have with my kids now. Whether it be just kicking back watching TV, playing at the park or going out to eat or to a movie. I am invested in what's going on with my kids.
Kristen is in her junior year of high school. She is home-schooled and has been ever since the accident. She was so embarrassed at high school about what happened that she enrolled in home school. The next year she went back, but the school officials wouldn't count her credits from the home school program, so she went back to home school again.
She is preparing for college. I am excited for her. Since I have been to college, I can kind of help her prepare. I can be of assistance, and that feels good. This year she has to take her ACT test, both to graduate and as college-entrance test.
Kristen is preparing to enter the work force. She is looking forward to getting her driver's license and buying her first car.
Ian is a social kid. He has a lot of friends. He almost played football this year, but decided to quit at the last minute after the family raised the $300 he needed for his student fees. We weren't really happy about that, but ultimately I want him to be happy. And if he doesn't want to play, that's OK with me.
I'm worried about Ian in some ways. I want him to get saved at church like the other two kids did. I was able to lead Kristen and Kavanaugh to Christ. And it would mean so much to me for Ian to also get saved. I am praying for him.
Kavanaugh, my youngest son, was picked to be a Homecoming attendant. He doesn't want to do it though. Something about not wanting to hold the girl's hand. I don't know. I think he would be pretty cute in a tux. We'll see what happens, though.
In some ways, I wish I could do the kids' childhood all over again.
I wish I could do it sober, with a good job and my own place. Most of their childhood I was high on marijuana or medicated with Xanax. I know I could have been a better mom sober.
All I can do, though, is build on today.
Today, I am a good mom. I am trying to get a job and put my life back together. That's the next step to getting us all in the same house again, if that is God's will.
And I look so forward to the next time the kids will be with me. It will be Ian's 15th birthday on Saturday, the 28th. We'll have cake and presents and just some good family time.
I may just be a weekend mom right now, but I'll be a good weekend mom until I can be more. And I'll cherish the kids every way that I can.
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Jan. 15
The kids went home today. It's always a melancholy time for me because I won't see them again for two weeks.
It's been this way for a little more than two years, every since the accident that changed my life and the lives of my victim and his family forever.
I think about my victim's family everyday, especially when I'm down on myself and my situation. I think, 'Well, things are not perfect, but at least I'm still here to enjoy time with my family, even though it isn't as much as I want.'
My victim can't spend any time with his family anymore because he is dead.
I wish there were a magic time machine I could jump in, like in the movie "Back to the Future" and just fix this situation for everyone it touches.
Unfortunately, that will never happen.
All I can do is enjoy the time I have with my own family, try to make the most of it and pray for my victim's family.
A little more than two years ago, I was a working single mother. I had a career as a prize-winning journalist, a rental house and a car I had just made the remaining payments on.
With a snap decision I made while in a blackout caused by consuming too much wine and a one-milligram Xanax, my victim's life ended and my life and the lives of his family changed forever.
I wish I could go back to the life I had before and live it as the person I am now.
I am sober. I have been for more than two years. I go to recovery meetings several times a week. I have a sponsor. I read recovery literature, mediation books and my Bible. I pray and mediate and I try to help other alcoholics and addicts by speaking to them twice a week about the dangers of drinking and driving and what happened to me.
I may never be able to be a journalist again. Well, we'll see. The felonies on my record don't make it easy to get any job, let alone a good job like I had before. But, I'll never say never.
My kids, Kristen, Ian and Kavanaugh, had to go and live with their dad as a result of the accident, the ripple effects of everything and everyone it touched.
I think it has made me a better mother than I used to be. I cherish the time I have with my kids now. Whether it be just kicking back watching TV, playing at the park or going out to eat or to a movie. I am invested in what's going on with my kids.
Kristen is in her junior year of high school. She is home-schooled and has been ever since the accident. She was so embarrassed at high school about what happened that she enrolled in home school. The next year she went back, but the school officials wouldn't count her credits from the home school program, so she went back to home school again.
She is preparing for college. I am excited for her. Since I have been to college, I can kind of help her prepare. I can be of assistance, and that feels good. This year she has to take her ACT test, both to graduate and as college-entrance test.
Kristen is preparing to enter the work force. She is looking forward to getting her driver's license and buying her first car.
Ian is a social kid. He has a lot of friends. He almost played football this year, but decided to quit at the last minute after the family raised the $300 he needed for his student fees. We weren't really happy about that, but ultimately I want him to be happy. And if he doesn't want to play, that's OK with me.
I'm worried about Ian in some ways. I want him to get saved at church like the other two kids did. I was able to lead Kristen and Kavanaugh to Christ. And it would mean so much to me for Ian to also get saved. I am praying for him.
Kavanaugh, my youngest son, was picked to be a Homecoming attendant. He doesn't want to do it though. Something about not wanting to hold the girl's hand. I don't know. I think he would be pretty cute in a tux. We'll see what happens, though.
In some ways, I wish I could do the kids' childhood all over again.
I wish I could do it sober, with a good job and my own place. Most of their childhood I was high on marijuana or medicated with Xanax. I know I could have been a better mom sober.
All I can do, though, is build on today.
Today, I am a good mom. I am trying to get a job and put my life back together. That's the next step to getting us all in the same house again, if that is God's will.
And I look so forward to the next time the kids will be with me. It will be Ian's 15th birthday on Saturday, the 28th. We'll have cake and presents and just some good family time.
I may just be a weekend mom right now, but I'll be a good weekend mom until I can be more. And I'll cherish the kids every way that I can.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
First lockup
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Dec. 30
Being in jail isn't any fun.
It's about following orders from officers charged to police an entire pod.
Many times, it's like walking on eggshells around these men and women, who with a few words can make you be completely silent for hours at a time, or even worse, locked up in your room for hours longer than usual.
There were times I felt cagey. I didn't like my cell door being locked, but I got used to it.
I learned to suck it up, though, to do what I was told when I was told. For instance, I had to wake up around 4 a.m. for "chow time" every day.
That meal usually consisted of either plain oatmeal or grits, bologna, a little cake or pancakes. Sometimes, we got to eat "out" in the day room, but most of the time I ate in silence in the dark in my cell, while various cellys (cellmates) slept.
Lunch was always the same: peanut butter and sometimes jelly and bologna and cheese sandwiches, stale tortilla chips, cookies and juice (a Kool-aid like mixture that wasn't very sweet. I had one celly who even said it was really gelatin mixed with water.)
Supper was my least favorite meal of the day: Salsbury steak, rice with beans and bologna. On Christmas, we had a piece of what was supposed to be ham (really a big slice of bologna), sweet
potatoes, corn and green beans.
Still, even though the food wasn't great. It gave me something to look forward to in the lockup.
Other things I looked forward to were the times I could be in the "dayroom," the big room in our pod where we sometimes ate, talked and watched TV together.
I got to know some of the girls in the dayroom over the seven days I spent there.
I explained my charges to them: vehicular homicide by intoxication and leaving the scene of a fatality.
I explained how the judge gave me a 10-year sentence, requiring me to serve a week at Christmas and a week at Father's Day each year for that decade.
I told them that two years before, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel, how I hit and killed a tow-truck driver, father and husband, how I would give anything to go back and change it, and how I knew I'd never be able to.
You see, I was in a unique position there. I knew I likely had the most serious charge of anyone there. And I had a cautionary tale to share, one that included drinking and driving, death and the loss of everything that meant anything to me as a result.
Even if those girls, Michelle, Tammy, Angela, Tabitha, Monique, Ariel and Darlene, just to name a few, never got sober, I still knew that my story could make an impact in their lives. Maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't want to get behind the wheel of a car after boozing or drugging it up.
One day, we even tried to have an impromptu recovery meeting. One of the girls recited a traditional reading, but then we were called away to do something else.
It still meant a lot to me that the girls were willing to try.
We had church meetings twice while I was there, my first night, the 21st, and then on Christmas Eve.
Trevecca Community Church brought us Christmas presents, a Ziplock baggie filled with candy and a printed Bible verse. The members of the group were former inmates and churchgoers. One of them sang "His Eye is On the Sparrow."
The experience brought me to tears, just knowing someone was showing consideration for me while I was in jail at Christmas.
I had at least five cellys during my stay in jail. It was hard getting to know people and then seeing them leave one by one, either being moved to another area or being released.
Another thing I looked forward to in lockup was the time I spent getting closer to God.
I had a lot of time to pray, read the Bible and try to meditate. I used that time wisely.
I would sing "His Eye is on the Sparrow" when I was alone in my cell. I would pray silently and aloud for myself, for my children, for my parents, my sister and her kids and my pod mates.
The thing I looked forward to the most was being released.
Each day, I would count the number of days until my release day and tell myself, "I've just got to make it another six, five, four, three, two days, then one day, and finally just a few hours until I could get out."
Around 4:30 p.m. Wednesday, the 28th, I asked the guard if anyone had called about me. He said, "No. I would have told you if they had." I said, "Well. I think I'm being released between 5-6 p.m., so they should be calling soon."
At exactly 5 p.m., the call came in. I eyed the guard closely and noticed he was looking at me. He got off the phone and said, "Cornwell, pack it up." I said, "Yes," pulling both arms down in a gesture.
It took me all of about two minutes to roll up my covers and sheets and get the rest of my stuff in a bag.
I stood in the dayroom, waiting for Officer Baxter to walk me out or hand me off to someone who would.
He went around and checked all the cells for contraband - excess food mainly - before he addressed my
release. I was so happy I didn't care.
One by one, the girls that I met, that meant something to me said "Goodbye."
I said, "God bless you," to each one of them, and they said it back to me.
I couldn't help but smile as I walked out of the pod, down the hall and outside to go down the hill to intake.
I took off my uniform and put on my clothes, got my medicine and property and walked out to meet my
family, who was waiting for me with a sign that said "We missed you. We love you." It had each person's name on the sign. My nieces had made it for me.
When I got home, there were more signs on the front door and on my TV in my room. I never felt more loved, and more grateful to be home again.
I have six months until my next incarceration.
I intend to make it count, helping where I can around the house, trying to get back on my feet and loving my children the best way I know how.
Life after the first incarceration
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Life after the first release
Dec. 30, 2011
Freedom. How sweet it is!
And how I cherish the little things in life like being able to take a bath in my own tub, shave my legs and put on lotion, body spray and effective deodorant afterward.
It's Dec. 30, 2011.
I've been out of jail for two days now, after spending a week at the county jail in Nashville,Tennessee.
And I've been noticing more and more the things I always took for granted.
I walked in the sunshine today after taking the bus home from a lunch with my sponsee.
She treated me to a plate of fried chicken fingers, shrimp and Dixie Taters with blue cheese, green onions and bacon bits, real coffee with cream and Splenda and water with lemon. I had hot fudge cake for dessert.
How I would have killed for a meal like that in the county lockup. The food there wasn't great.
It was sustenance, but nothing to write home about. I swore before I went that I wouldn't eat it, but I had to.
It's all about survival when you're on the inside, and eating something, if not all your plate is one way to make that happen.
The first night home my mother, my sister and nieces, Kasey, Aaliyah and Trista, came to pick me up. My sister, Jenny, brought me two cans of Coke and a Snickers bar. Then, when I got home I found that my kids;Kristen, Ian and Kavanaugh, were here.
I gave my dad a big hug because I knew he had been suffering with me being in jail and being away from the family for the first time at Christmas.
Soon afterward, the whole family headed out to Ryans' steak house for what was to be our belated Christmas meal together.
It was perfect.
It wasn't the actual holiday, but it felt that way to me.
When we got home, I went straight to the bathroom, stripped down and had my first hot bath in more than a week.
I took my time, washing my hair with dandruff shampoo and conditioner, two things I didn't have the luxury of having in jail. When I was done, I brushed my hair with a real brush, not the little bitty men's comb they give you at the Davidson County Sheriff's Office.
That same night, I took my psychiatric medication for the first time in a week. For some reason,the medical staff at the jail did not give me my meds even though I cleared it with the head of the medical department before I had set foot inside the facility.
I slept like a baby for the next 12 hours.
And that's saying a lot because I don't have a door on my room, and there were nine other people in the house.
Today, I went to my first recovery meeting in a week. I didn't have a lot to say. I just expressed gratitude to the group for their support through the good times, the bad times and the hard times; their prayers and well wishes - lifing me up everyday - really make the difference.
I have had quality time with my kids the last few days. Last night was especially important to me as I talked for hours with them about my dreams of someday living with them again, even if it happens after they are grown.
It was something I could see happening, if even in my mind. It's a dream that I want to see come true in my lifetime. And if it's God's will, I know it will happen.
...
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Life after the first release
Dec. 30, 2011
Freedom. How sweet it is!
And how I cherish the little things in life like being able to take a bath in my own tub, shave my legs and put on lotion, body spray and effective deodorant afterward.
It's Dec. 30, 2011.
I've been out of jail for two days now, after spending a week at the county jail in Nashville,Tennessee.
And I've been noticing more and more the things I always took for granted.
I walked in the sunshine today after taking the bus home from a lunch with my sponsee.
She treated me to a plate of fried chicken fingers, shrimp and Dixie Taters with blue cheese, green onions and bacon bits, real coffee with cream and Splenda and water with lemon. I had hot fudge cake for dessert.
How I would have killed for a meal like that in the county lockup. The food there wasn't great.
It was sustenance, but nothing to write home about. I swore before I went that I wouldn't eat it, but I had to.
It's all about survival when you're on the inside, and eating something, if not all your plate is one way to make that happen.
The first night home my mother, my sister and nieces, Kasey, Aaliyah and Trista, came to pick me up. My sister, Jenny, brought me two cans of Coke and a Snickers bar. Then, when I got home I found that my kids;Kristen, Ian and Kavanaugh, were here.
I gave my dad a big hug because I knew he had been suffering with me being in jail and being away from the family for the first time at Christmas.
Soon afterward, the whole family headed out to Ryans' steak house for what was to be our belated Christmas meal together.
It was perfect.
It wasn't the actual holiday, but it felt that way to me.
When we got home, I went straight to the bathroom, stripped down and had my first hot bath in more than a week.
I took my time, washing my hair with dandruff shampoo and conditioner, two things I didn't have the luxury of having in jail. When I was done, I brushed my hair with a real brush, not the little bitty men's comb they give you at the Davidson County Sheriff's Office.
That same night, I took my psychiatric medication for the first time in a week. For some reason,the medical staff at the jail did not give me my meds even though I cleared it with the head of the medical department before I had set foot inside the facility.
I slept like a baby for the next 12 hours.
And that's saying a lot because I don't have a door on my room, and there were nine other people in the house.
Today, I went to my first recovery meeting in a week. I didn't have a lot to say. I just expressed gratitude to the group for their support through the good times, the bad times and the hard times; their prayers and well wishes - lifing me up everyday - really make the difference.
I have had quality time with my kids the last few days. Last night was especially important to me as I talked for hours with them about my dreams of someday living with them again, even if it happens after they are grown.
It was something I could see happening, if even in my mind. It's a dream that I want to see come true in my lifetime. And if it's God's will, I know it will happen.
...
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