Sunday, January 29, 2012
Beautiful beautiful
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
Tonight, I am singing at church during a musical program we call the "Singspiration." The song I am doing is called "Beautiful Beautiful." It's in the style of Francesa Battestelli, a Contemporary Christian music singer.
It's basically a love letter to God for changing someone from the inside out.
That's how I feel these days. God has changed me from the inside out.
I wish I could live my life, being who I am now, with the job I had in the past and the custody arrangements I had with the kids in the past.
I know that isn't possible, but it's how I feel.
I can only move forward and try to get another job, and when I do, save up for an apartment and try to work out arrangements with my ex about the kids. I feel like he'd be agreeable to it should I have the opportunity to better myself.
Speaking of the kids...
My son, Ian, turned 15 Saturday.
Time is really flying. I remember when he was just a little thing. I remember when he was just learning to crawl. Now, he's a teenager and into the show "Guy Code."
Good grief.
I really am thankful for the time I get to spend with the kids. Although, it never seems like enough. They come every other weekend and stay Friday afternoon, Saturday and up to Sunday afternoon.
It's been that way ever since the accident a little over two years ago. Before, I had them a lot more.
Still, I know friends that would do anything to see their kids that much. So, I can' t complain.
We had a good time on his birthday. The whole family went to Shelby Park, walked around and played on the playground. I practiced the song I am singing tonight at church while at the park. My daughter looked at me like I was weird. I just smiled. I was happy.
We had carrot cake for Ian's birthday. It's his favorite. That and banana bread. But he chose the carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. It was really good.
Whenever I celebrate a milestone in my kids' lives, or in my life, I can't help but think about my victim's family and how they are doing.
I hope they are doing as well as they can be. I can't imagine the pain they've gone through. And I wish I could make it go away...but I can't.
I can only go on with my own life. I can pray for them, though. I can pray and I can keep his memory alive in the talks that I am giving in local high schools.
I am speaking again on his birthday, Feb. 10.
I wish I had some pictures of him that I could display in his memory. The only thing I do have is the WSMV-Channel 4 TV news footage of my arrest and subsequent stories the station ran that show a picture of him.
It's weird because I never knew him personally, but our lives are somewhat intertwined now. At least his death and my life anyway.
I live my life sober in his memory, and I try to be happy.
I hope my victim's family is finding some happiness, too, despite their pain.
They say, 'time heals all things,' but I don't know if that's really true.
I hope and pray that they do find happiness in the little things in life, and that they are getting some help with their grief. If they read this, I hope they know I am praying for them, too. I know it's not enough, but it's what I can do.
I hope somehow, someway, my victim is looking down on me, on my sobriety, on the days I go and speak in his honor and that he smiles.
He is the reason for my sobriety.
He is the reason for my salvation.
He is the reason I am a different person today.
And if somehow, he can see me now, I hope he knows I have one thing to say:
Thank you.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Job search
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Jan. 21
It's been more than two years since I've been gainfully employed as a reporter for The News Examiner in Gallatin, Tenn. The publication, a sister paper of The Tennessean, is owned by Gannett. I miss my job. I miss interacting with my sources, doing interviews, taking photos, writing the articles, all of it.
When the accident happened on October 22, 2009, ending my victim's life, most of my life went away too. I was suspended without pay, pending the outcome of the police investigation into the charges of vehicular homicide and leaving the scene of a fatality.
I lost my home, my job, my kids, everything I ever knew, overnight. I know my victim's family has suffered, and believe me I am not making light of that. I wish everyday that I could jump in a time machine and go back and make all this go away, of course for myself, but mostly for them.
My career is something I have really grieved over. I was an award-winning writer, an up-and-coming journalist with a lot going for me. I hope someday I can work as a writer again full-time. I am good at it, and it makes me feel good to put a nice article together.
In some ways, this blog is saving my life because it's giving me a creative outlet again. I have also written most of the chapters of a book about my experience. I am hoping to publish it this year.
Last week, I began submitting lots and lots of applications online. I am hopeful, but somewhat afraid that my criminal background is going to hold me back from working in a job that I will really enjoy.
I'm plunging forward anyway. You can't let fear of the unknown hold you back. You have to try, even though you might fail. You have to keep on trying. I know if I keep on trying somebody will give me a chance.
One reason it has been two years since I have had a job is that most places won't hire you if you have pending charges. It took almost two years for my case to be adjudicated in the courts.
Another reason is that I filed for disability. I was denied twice and I appealed it a third time, an appeal that is supposed to be heard by a judge. I just found out it will be two more years before the case is heard by a judge.
I decided I don' t want to wait that long to be earning money again. I have a list of felony-friendly employers I can use to try to get a job. Mostly so far, I have been applying to office jobs and other jobs related to my experience.
Next week, I am meeting with a career counselor to talk about my job search and various other things involved in trying to get a job. I am excited. I'm going to stay positive and lean on God. I know he has big plans for me.I just have to do the footwork and let him do the rest.
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Jan. 21
It's been more than two years since I've been gainfully employed as a reporter for The News Examiner in Gallatin, Tenn. The publication, a sister paper of The Tennessean, is owned by Gannett. I miss my job. I miss interacting with my sources, doing interviews, taking photos, writing the articles, all of it.
When the accident happened on October 22, 2009, ending my victim's life, most of my life went away too. I was suspended without pay, pending the outcome of the police investigation into the charges of vehicular homicide and leaving the scene of a fatality.
I lost my home, my job, my kids, everything I ever knew, overnight. I know my victim's family has suffered, and believe me I am not making light of that. I wish everyday that I could jump in a time machine and go back and make all this go away, of course for myself, but mostly for them.
My career is something I have really grieved over. I was an award-winning writer, an up-and-coming journalist with a lot going for me. I hope someday I can work as a writer again full-time. I am good at it, and it makes me feel good to put a nice article together.
In some ways, this blog is saving my life because it's giving me a creative outlet again. I have also written most of the chapters of a book about my experience. I am hoping to publish it this year.
Last week, I began submitting lots and lots of applications online. I am hopeful, but somewhat afraid that my criminal background is going to hold me back from working in a job that I will really enjoy.
I'm plunging forward anyway. You can't let fear of the unknown hold you back. You have to try, even though you might fail. You have to keep on trying. I know if I keep on trying somebody will give me a chance.
One reason it has been two years since I have had a job is that most places won't hire you if you have pending charges. It took almost two years for my case to be adjudicated in the courts.
Another reason is that I filed for disability. I was denied twice and I appealed it a third time, an appeal that is supposed to be heard by a judge. I just found out it will be two more years before the case is heard by a judge.
I decided I don' t want to wait that long to be earning money again. I have a list of felony-friendly employers I can use to try to get a job. Mostly so far, I have been applying to office jobs and other jobs related to my experience.
Next week, I am meeting with a career counselor to talk about my job search and various other things involved in trying to get a job. I am excited. I'm going to stay positive and lean on God. I know he has big plans for me.I just have to do the footwork and let him do the rest.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Kids visit
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Jan. 15
The kids went home today. It's always a melancholy time for me because I won't see them again for two weeks.
It's been this way for a little more than two years, every since the accident that changed my life and the lives of my victim and his family forever.
I think about my victim's family everyday, especially when I'm down on myself and my situation. I think, 'Well, things are not perfect, but at least I'm still here to enjoy time with my family, even though it isn't as much as I want.'
My victim can't spend any time with his family anymore because he is dead.
I wish there were a magic time machine I could jump in, like in the movie "Back to the Future" and just fix this situation for everyone it touches.
Unfortunately, that will never happen.
All I can do is enjoy the time I have with my own family, try to make the most of it and pray for my victim's family.
A little more than two years ago, I was a working single mother. I had a career as a prize-winning journalist, a rental house and a car I had just made the remaining payments on.
With a snap decision I made while in a blackout caused by consuming too much wine and a one-milligram Xanax, my victim's life ended and my life and the lives of his family changed forever.
I wish I could go back to the life I had before and live it as the person I am now.
I am sober. I have been for more than two years. I go to recovery meetings several times a week. I have a sponsor. I read recovery literature, mediation books and my Bible. I pray and mediate and I try to help other alcoholics and addicts by speaking to them twice a week about the dangers of drinking and driving and what happened to me.
I may never be able to be a journalist again. Well, we'll see. The felonies on my record don't make it easy to get any job, let alone a good job like I had before. But, I'll never say never.
My kids, Kristen, Ian and Kavanaugh, had to go and live with their dad as a result of the accident, the ripple effects of everything and everyone it touched.
I think it has made me a better mother than I used to be. I cherish the time I have with my kids now. Whether it be just kicking back watching TV, playing at the park or going out to eat or to a movie. I am invested in what's going on with my kids.
Kristen is in her junior year of high school. She is home-schooled and has been ever since the accident. She was so embarrassed at high school about what happened that she enrolled in home school. The next year she went back, but the school officials wouldn't count her credits from the home school program, so she went back to home school again.
She is preparing for college. I am excited for her. Since I have been to college, I can kind of help her prepare. I can be of assistance, and that feels good. This year she has to take her ACT test, both to graduate and as college-entrance test.
Kristen is preparing to enter the work force. She is looking forward to getting her driver's license and buying her first car.
Ian is a social kid. He has a lot of friends. He almost played football this year, but decided to quit at the last minute after the family raised the $300 he needed for his student fees. We weren't really happy about that, but ultimately I want him to be happy. And if he doesn't want to play, that's OK with me.
I'm worried about Ian in some ways. I want him to get saved at church like the other two kids did. I was able to lead Kristen and Kavanaugh to Christ. And it would mean so much to me for Ian to also get saved. I am praying for him.
Kavanaugh, my youngest son, was picked to be a Homecoming attendant. He doesn't want to do it though. Something about not wanting to hold the girl's hand. I don't know. I think he would be pretty cute in a tux. We'll see what happens, though.
In some ways, I wish I could do the kids' childhood all over again.
I wish I could do it sober, with a good job and my own place. Most of their childhood I was high on marijuana or medicated with Xanax. I know I could have been a better mom sober.
All I can do, though, is build on today.
Today, I am a good mom. I am trying to get a job and put my life back together. That's the next step to getting us all in the same house again, if that is God's will.
And I look so forward to the next time the kids will be with me. It will be Ian's 15th birthday on Saturday, the 28th. We'll have cake and presents and just some good family time.
I may just be a weekend mom right now, but I'll be a good weekend mom until I can be more. And I'll cherish the kids every way that I can.
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Jan. 15
The kids went home today. It's always a melancholy time for me because I won't see them again for two weeks.
It's been this way for a little more than two years, every since the accident that changed my life and the lives of my victim and his family forever.
I think about my victim's family everyday, especially when I'm down on myself and my situation. I think, 'Well, things are not perfect, but at least I'm still here to enjoy time with my family, even though it isn't as much as I want.'
My victim can't spend any time with his family anymore because he is dead.
I wish there were a magic time machine I could jump in, like in the movie "Back to the Future" and just fix this situation for everyone it touches.
Unfortunately, that will never happen.
All I can do is enjoy the time I have with my own family, try to make the most of it and pray for my victim's family.
A little more than two years ago, I was a working single mother. I had a career as a prize-winning journalist, a rental house and a car I had just made the remaining payments on.
With a snap decision I made while in a blackout caused by consuming too much wine and a one-milligram Xanax, my victim's life ended and my life and the lives of his family changed forever.
I wish I could go back to the life I had before and live it as the person I am now.
I am sober. I have been for more than two years. I go to recovery meetings several times a week. I have a sponsor. I read recovery literature, mediation books and my Bible. I pray and mediate and I try to help other alcoholics and addicts by speaking to them twice a week about the dangers of drinking and driving and what happened to me.
I may never be able to be a journalist again. Well, we'll see. The felonies on my record don't make it easy to get any job, let alone a good job like I had before. But, I'll never say never.
My kids, Kristen, Ian and Kavanaugh, had to go and live with their dad as a result of the accident, the ripple effects of everything and everyone it touched.
I think it has made me a better mother than I used to be. I cherish the time I have with my kids now. Whether it be just kicking back watching TV, playing at the park or going out to eat or to a movie. I am invested in what's going on with my kids.
Kristen is in her junior year of high school. She is home-schooled and has been ever since the accident. She was so embarrassed at high school about what happened that she enrolled in home school. The next year she went back, but the school officials wouldn't count her credits from the home school program, so she went back to home school again.
She is preparing for college. I am excited for her. Since I have been to college, I can kind of help her prepare. I can be of assistance, and that feels good. This year she has to take her ACT test, both to graduate and as college-entrance test.
Kristen is preparing to enter the work force. She is looking forward to getting her driver's license and buying her first car.
Ian is a social kid. He has a lot of friends. He almost played football this year, but decided to quit at the last minute after the family raised the $300 he needed for his student fees. We weren't really happy about that, but ultimately I want him to be happy. And if he doesn't want to play, that's OK with me.
I'm worried about Ian in some ways. I want him to get saved at church like the other two kids did. I was able to lead Kristen and Kavanaugh to Christ. And it would mean so much to me for Ian to also get saved. I am praying for him.
Kavanaugh, my youngest son, was picked to be a Homecoming attendant. He doesn't want to do it though. Something about not wanting to hold the girl's hand. I don't know. I think he would be pretty cute in a tux. We'll see what happens, though.
In some ways, I wish I could do the kids' childhood all over again.
I wish I could do it sober, with a good job and my own place. Most of their childhood I was high on marijuana or medicated with Xanax. I know I could have been a better mom sober.
All I can do, though, is build on today.
Today, I am a good mom. I am trying to get a job and put my life back together. That's the next step to getting us all in the same house again, if that is God's will.
And I look so forward to the next time the kids will be with me. It will be Ian's 15th birthday on Saturday, the 28th. We'll have cake and presents and just some good family time.
I may just be a weekend mom right now, but I'll be a good weekend mom until I can be more. And I'll cherish the kids every way that I can.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
First lockup
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were
some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Dec. 30
Being in jail isn't any fun.
It's about following orders from officers charged to police an entire pod.
Many times, it's like walking on eggshells around these men and women, who with a few words can make you be completely silent for hours at a time, or even worse, locked up in your room for hours longer than usual.
There were times I felt cagey. I didn't like my cell door being locked, but I got used to it.
I learned to suck it up, though, to do what I was told when I was told. For instance, I had to wake up around 4 a.m. for "chow time" every day.
That meal usually consisted of either plain oatmeal or grits, bologna, a little cake or pancakes. Sometimes, we got to eat "out" in the day room, but most of the time I ate in silence in the dark in my cell, while various cellys (cellmates) slept.
Lunch was always the same: peanut butter and sometimes jelly and bologna and cheese sandwiches, stale tortilla chips, cookies and juice (a Kool-aid like mixture that wasn't very sweet. I had one celly who even said it was really gelatin mixed with water.)
Supper was my least favorite meal of the day: Salsbury steak, rice with beans and bologna. On Christmas, we had a piece of what was supposed to be ham (really a big slice of bologna), sweet
potatoes, corn and green beans.
Still, even though the food wasn't great. It gave me something to look forward to in the lockup.
Other things I looked forward to were the times I could be in the "dayroom," the big room in our pod where we sometimes ate, talked and watched TV together.
I got to know some of the girls in the dayroom over the seven days I spent there.
I explained my charges to them: vehicular homicide by intoxication and leaving the scene of a fatality.
I explained how the judge gave me a 10-year sentence, requiring me to serve a week at Christmas and a week at Father's Day each year for that decade.
I told them that two years before, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel, how I hit and killed a tow-truck driver, father and husband, how I would give anything to go back and change it, and how I knew I'd never be able to.
You see, I was in a unique position there. I knew I likely had the most serious charge of anyone there. And I had a cautionary tale to share, one that included drinking and driving, death and the loss of everything that meant anything to me as a result.
Even if those girls, Michelle, Tammy, Angela, Tabitha, Monique, Ariel and Darlene, just to name a few, never got sober, I still knew that my story could make an impact in their lives. Maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't want to get behind the wheel of a car after boozing or drugging it up.
One day, we even tried to have an impromptu recovery meeting. One of the girls recited a traditional reading, but then we were called away to do something else.
It still meant a lot to me that the girls were willing to try.
We had church meetings twice while I was there, my first night, the 21st, and then on Christmas Eve.
Trevecca Community Church brought us Christmas presents, a Ziplock baggie filled with candy and a printed Bible verse. The members of the group were former inmates and churchgoers. One of them sang "His Eye is On the Sparrow."
The experience brought me to tears, just knowing someone was showing consideration for me while I was in jail at Christmas.
I had at least five cellys during my stay in jail. It was hard getting to know people and then seeing them leave one by one, either being moved to another area or being released.
Another thing I looked forward to in lockup was the time I spent getting closer to God.
I had a lot of time to pray, read the Bible and try to meditate. I used that time wisely.
I would sing "His Eye is on the Sparrow" when I was alone in my cell. I would pray silently and aloud for myself, for my children, for my parents, my sister and her kids and my pod mates.
The thing I looked forward to the most was being released.
Each day, I would count the number of days until my release day and tell myself, "I've just got to make it another six, five, four, three, two days, then one day, and finally just a few hours until I could get out."
Around 4:30 p.m. Wednesday, the 28th, I asked the guard if anyone had called about me. He said, "No. I would have told you if they had." I said, "Well. I think I'm being released between 5-6 p.m., so they should be calling soon."
At exactly 5 p.m., the call came in. I eyed the guard closely and noticed he was looking at me. He got off the phone and said, "Cornwell, pack it up." I said, "Yes," pulling both arms down in a gesture.
It took me all of about two minutes to roll up my covers and sheets and get the rest of my stuff in a bag.
I stood in the dayroom, waiting for Officer Baxter to walk me out or hand me off to someone who would.
He went around and checked all the cells for contraband - excess food mainly - before he addressed my
release. I was so happy I didn't care.
One by one, the girls that I met, that meant something to me said "Goodbye."
I said, "God bless you," to each one of them, and they said it back to me.
I couldn't help but smile as I walked out of the pod, down the hall and outside to go down the hill to intake.
I took off my uniform and put on my clothes, got my medicine and property and walked out to meet my
family, who was waiting for me with a sign that said "We missed you. We love you." It had each person's name on the sign. My nieces had made it for me.
When I got home, there were more signs on the front door and on my TV in my room. I never felt more loved, and more grateful to be home again.
I have six months until my next incarceration.
I intend to make it count, helping where I can around the house, trying to get back on my feet and loving my children the best way I know how.
Life after the first incarceration
One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Life after the first release
Dec. 30, 2011
Freedom. How sweet it is!
And how I cherish the little things in life like being able to take a bath in my own tub, shave my legs and put on lotion, body spray and effective deodorant afterward.
It's Dec. 30, 2011.
I've been out of jail for two days now, after spending a week at the county jail in Nashville,Tennessee.
And I've been noticing more and more the things I always took for granted.
I walked in the sunshine today after taking the bus home from a lunch with my sponsee.
She treated me to a plate of fried chicken fingers, shrimp and Dixie Taters with blue cheese, green onions and bacon bits, real coffee with cream and Splenda and water with lemon. I had hot fudge cake for dessert.
How I would have killed for a meal like that in the county lockup. The food there wasn't great.
It was sustenance, but nothing to write home about. I swore before I went that I wouldn't eat it, but I had to.
It's all about survival when you're on the inside, and eating something, if not all your plate is one way to make that happen.
The first night home my mother, my sister and nieces, Kasey, Aaliyah and Trista, came to pick me up. My sister, Jenny, brought me two cans of Coke and a Snickers bar. Then, when I got home I found that my kids;Kristen, Ian and Kavanaugh, were here.
I gave my dad a big hug because I knew he had been suffering with me being in jail and being away from the family for the first time at Christmas.
Soon afterward, the whole family headed out to Ryans' steak house for what was to be our belated Christmas meal together.
It was perfect.
It wasn't the actual holiday, but it felt that way to me.
When we got home, I went straight to the bathroom, stripped down and had my first hot bath in more than a week.
I took my time, washing my hair with dandruff shampoo and conditioner, two things I didn't have the luxury of having in jail. When I was done, I brushed my hair with a real brush, not the little bitty men's comb they give you at the Davidson County Sheriff's Office.
That same night, I took my psychiatric medication for the first time in a week. For some reason,the medical staff at the jail did not give me my meds even though I cleared it with the head of the medical department before I had set foot inside the facility.
I slept like a baby for the next 12 hours.
And that's saying a lot because I don't have a door on my room, and there were nine other people in the house.
Today, I went to my first recovery meeting in a week. I didn't have a lot to say. I just expressed gratitude to the group for their support through the good times, the bad times and the hard times; their prayers and well wishes - lifing me up everyday - really make the difference.
I have had quality time with my kids the last few days. Last night was especially important to me as I talked for hours with them about my dreams of someday living with them again, even if it happens after they are grown.
It was something I could see happening, if even in my mind. It's a dream that I want to see come true in my lifetime. And if it's God's will, I know it will happen.
...
Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody.
That's exactly what happened to me.
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were some way I could go back and change it, I would.
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.
...
Life after the first release
Dec. 30, 2011
Freedom. How sweet it is!
And how I cherish the little things in life like being able to take a bath in my own tub, shave my legs and put on lotion, body spray and effective deodorant afterward.
It's Dec. 30, 2011.
I've been out of jail for two days now, after spending a week at the county jail in Nashville,Tennessee.
And I've been noticing more and more the things I always took for granted.
I walked in the sunshine today after taking the bus home from a lunch with my sponsee.
She treated me to a plate of fried chicken fingers, shrimp and Dixie Taters with blue cheese, green onions and bacon bits, real coffee with cream and Splenda and water with lemon. I had hot fudge cake for dessert.
How I would have killed for a meal like that in the county lockup. The food there wasn't great.
It was sustenance, but nothing to write home about. I swore before I went that I wouldn't eat it, but I had to.
It's all about survival when you're on the inside, and eating something, if not all your plate is one way to make that happen.
The first night home my mother, my sister and nieces, Kasey, Aaliyah and Trista, came to pick me up. My sister, Jenny, brought me two cans of Coke and a Snickers bar. Then, when I got home I found that my kids;Kristen, Ian and Kavanaugh, were here.
I gave my dad a big hug because I knew he had been suffering with me being in jail and being away from the family for the first time at Christmas.
Soon afterward, the whole family headed out to Ryans' steak house for what was to be our belated Christmas meal together.
It was perfect.
It wasn't the actual holiday, but it felt that way to me.
When we got home, I went straight to the bathroom, stripped down and had my first hot bath in more than a week.
I took my time, washing my hair with dandruff shampoo and conditioner, two things I didn't have the luxury of having in jail. When I was done, I brushed my hair with a real brush, not the little bitty men's comb they give you at the Davidson County Sheriff's Office.
That same night, I took my psychiatric medication for the first time in a week. For some reason,the medical staff at the jail did not give me my meds even though I cleared it with the head of the medical department before I had set foot inside the facility.
I slept like a baby for the next 12 hours.
And that's saying a lot because I don't have a door on my room, and there were nine other people in the house.
Today, I went to my first recovery meeting in a week. I didn't have a lot to say. I just expressed gratitude to the group for their support through the good times, the bad times and the hard times; their prayers and well wishes - lifing me up everyday - really make the difference.
I have had quality time with my kids the last few days. Last night was especially important to me as I talked for hours with them about my dreams of someday living with them again, even if it happens after they are grown.
It was something I could see happening, if even in my mind. It's a dream that I want to see come true in my lifetime. And if it's God's will, I know it will happen.
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