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One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide


Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody. 
That's exactly what happened to me. 
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were 
some way I could go back and change it, I would. 
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the 
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in 
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.

...

 Jan. 15


The kids went home today. It's always a melancholy time for me because I won't see them again for two weeks.
It's been this way for a little more than two years, every since the accident that changed my life and the lives of my victim and his family forever.
I think about my victim's family everyday, especially when I'm down on myself and my situation. I think, 'Well, things are not perfect, but at least I'm still here to enjoy time with my family, even though it isn't as much as I want.'
My victim can't spend any time with his family anymore because he is dead.
I wish there were a magic time machine I could jump in, like in the movie "Back to the Future" and just fix this situation for everyone it touches.
Unfortunately, that will never happen.
All I can do is enjoy the time I have with my own family, try to make the most of it and pray for my victim's family.
A little more than two years ago, I was a working single mother. I had a career as a prize-winning journalist, a rental house and a car I had just made the remaining payments on.
With a snap decision I made while in a blackout caused by consuming too much wine and a one-milligram Xanax, my victim's life ended and my life and the lives of his family changed forever.
I wish I could go back to the life I had before and live it as the person I am now.
I am sober. I have been for more than two years. I go to recovery meetings several times a week. I have a sponsor. I read recovery literature, mediation books and my Bible. I pray and mediate and I try to help other alcoholics and addicts by speaking to them twice a week about the dangers of drinking and driving and what happened to me.
I may never be able to be a journalist again. Well, we'll see. The felonies on my record don't make it easy to get any job, let alone a good job like I had before. But, I'll never say never.
My kids, Kristen, Ian and Kavanaugh, had to go and live with their dad as a result of the accident, the ripple effects of everything and everyone it touched.
I think it has made me a better mother than I used to be. I cherish the time I have with my kids now. Whether it be just kicking back watching TV, playing at the park or going out to eat or to a movie. I am invested in what's going on with my kids.
Kristen is in her junior year of high school. She is home-schooled and has been ever since the accident. She was so embarrassed at high school about what happened that she enrolled in home school. The next year she went back, but the school officials wouldn't count her credits from the home school program, so she went back to home school again.
She is preparing for college. I am excited for her. Since I have been to college, I can kind of help her prepare. I can be of assistance, and that feels good. This year she has to take her ACT test, both to graduate and as college-entrance test.
Kristen is preparing to enter the work force. She is looking forward to getting her driver's license and buying her first car.
Ian is a social kid. He has a lot of friends. He almost played football this year, but decided to quit at the last minute after the family raised the $300 he needed for his student fees. We weren't really happy about that, but ultimately I want him to be happy. And if he doesn't want to play, that's OK with me.
I'm worried about Ian in some ways. I want him to get saved at church like the other two kids did. I was able to lead Kristen and Kavanaugh to Christ. And it would mean so much to me for Ian to also get saved. I am praying for him.

Kavanaugh, my youngest son, was picked to be a Homecoming attendant. He doesn't want to do it though. Something about not wanting to hold the girl's hand. I don't know. I think he would be pretty cute in a tux. We'll see what happens, though.
In some ways, I wish I could do the kids' childhood all over again.
I wish I could do it sober, with a good job and my own place. Most of their childhood I was high on marijuana or medicated with Xanax. I know I could have been a better mom sober.
All I can do, though, is build on today.
Today, I am a good mom. I am trying to get a job and put my life back together. That's the next step to getting us all in the same house again, if that is God's will.
And I look so forward to the next time the kids will be with me. It will be Ian's 15th birthday on Saturday, the 28th. We'll have cake and presents and just some good family time.
I may just be a weekend mom right now, but I'll be a good weekend mom until I can be more. And I'll cherish the kids every way that I can.