Beautiful beautiful

One Woman's Journey After Vehicular Homicide


Imagine going to sleep, waking up and finding out you killed somebody. 
That's exactly what happened to me. 
Two years ago, I was drunk and fell asleep at the wheel. I'm not trying to make excuses.
But I never ever would have done such a thing on purpose. And if there were 
some way I could go back and change it, I would. 
In fact, I've been sober ever since.
Now I'm paying for my crime by being incarcerated two weeks a year for the 
next 10 years.
This blog follows my journey afterward, trying to put my life back together in 
between spending a week in jail at Christmas and at Father's Day each year.


Tonight, I am singing at church during a musical program we call the "Singspiration." The song I am doing is called "Beautiful Beautiful." It's in the style of Francesa Battestelli, a Contemporary Christian music singer.
It's basically a love letter to God for changing someone from the inside out.
That's how I feel these days. God has changed me from the inside out.
I wish I could live my life, being who I am now, with the job I had in the past and the custody arrangements I had with the kids in the past.
I know that isn't possible, but it's how I feel.
I can only move forward and try to get another job, and when I do, save up for an apartment and try to work out arrangements with my ex about the kids. I feel like he'd be agreeable to it should I have the opportunity to better myself.
Speaking of the kids...
My son, Ian, turned 15 Saturday.
Time is really flying. I remember when he was just a little thing. I remember when he was just learning to crawl. Now, he's a teenager and into the show "Guy Code."
Good grief.
I really am thankful for the time I get to spend with the kids. Although, it never seems like enough. They come every other weekend and stay Friday afternoon, Saturday and up to Sunday afternoon.
It's been that way ever since the accident a little over two years ago. Before, I had them a lot more.
Still, I know friends that would do anything to see their kids that much. So, I can' t complain.
We had a good time on his birthday. The whole family went to Shelby Park, walked around and played on the playground. I practiced the song I am singing tonight at church while at the park. My daughter looked at me like I was weird. I just smiled. I was happy.
We had carrot cake for Ian's birthday. It's his favorite. That and banana bread. But he chose the carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. It was really good.
Whenever I celebrate a milestone in my kids' lives, or in my life, I can't help but think about my victim's family and how they are doing.
I hope they are doing as well as they can be. I can't imagine the pain they've gone through. And I wish I could make it go away...but I can't.
I can only go on with my own life. I can pray for them, though. I can pray and I can keep his memory alive in the talks that I am giving in local high schools.
I am speaking again on his birthday, Feb. 10.
I wish I had some pictures of him that I could display in his memory. The only thing I do have is the WSMV-Channel 4 TV news footage of my arrest and subsequent stories the station ran that show a picture of him.
It's weird because I never knew him personally, but our lives are somewhat intertwined now. At least his death and my life anyway.
I live my life sober in his memory, and I try to be happy.
I hope my victim's family is finding some happiness, too, despite their pain.
They say, 'time heals all things,' but I don't know if that's really true.
I hope and pray that they do find happiness in the little things in life, and that they are getting some help with their grief. If they read this, I hope they know I am praying for them, too. I know it's not enough, but it's what I can do.
I hope somehow, someway, my victim is looking down on me, on my sobriety, on the days I go and speak in his honor and that he smiles.
He is the reason for my sobriety.
He is the reason for my salvation.
He is the reason I am a different person today.
And if somehow, he can see me now, I hope he knows I have one thing to say:
Thank you.